Watching The Yankees = Watching A Horror Movie

For three straight days I was tortured by the Red Sox and their merriment. Tonight, in the Yankees’ 4-2 loss to the Tigers at Comerica, I was tortured by Justin Verlander and his 99-mph fastball. Watching my team lately has taken on the feel of this.
Every horror movie has a few likable, heroic characters, and tonight’s game was no different. Cano kept hitting (why wasn’t he batting cleanup?). CC gave the pen a night off (loved the fourth when he K-ed Ordonez, Cabrera and Guillen; he could have gotten a “W” if he’d had a little run support). And Pena continued to show why he’s a better utility infielder than both Ransom and Berroa (duh).
And then there were the scary villains….
* Justin Verlander and his high cheese.
* Placido Domingo Polanco and his oddly shaped head.
placido polanco.jpg
* Magglio Ordonez and his oddly shaped hair.
* Jorge Posada and his tendency to ground into rally-killing double plays.
It’s true that the Yankees didn’t arrive in Detroit until the wee hours of the morning and were probably as tired as they looked. But isn’t that what this is for?
Getting back to “Carrie,” I was thinking how empowering it would be to have her gift of telekinesis – to make things happen just by thinking about them.
Here are a few ways I would use my power to help the Yankees…
* I would heal A-Rod, Nady, Bruney and the newly banged up Damon.
* I would fix Wang’s mechanics and, if necessary, his mind.
* I would turn Brett Gardner, Melky Cabrera and Nick Swisher into better hitters. (Swish is spiraling back down to earth. I can feel it.)
* I would command Jose Veras not to walk anybody. Ditto: Marte.
* I would put ten pounds on Edwar Ramirez, as well as give him another pitch besides the change-up.
* I would make Jeter five years younger.
* I would leave Mo exactly the way he is.
* I would trade Kei Igawa for Roy Halladay straight up.
* I would insure that the Yankees win their 27th championship this year.
* I would haunt anybody who tried to thwart me.


  1. raysrenegade

    I have no idea what is going on this season.
    It is almost like someone is holding down certain teams to strike fear and loathing in the league.
    Seriously, who would have thought that Detroit would be at the top of the AL Central, and Toronto building a nest at the top of the AL East.
    I did however hope that Seattle would be near the top, but I am happy with their lofty spot right now.
    They are the true underdogs this year.
    Good thing that May 1st is coming soon. Then we can go play other teams outside our divisions again.

    Rays Renegade

  2. heartruss

    Jane…back to the last post..we had Angel Berroa on our team last year and he gave us some good games. Too bad he isn’t the same guy.
    I would like to change the Dodger pitchers and maybe trade one of them for D Lowe. I wish they would not give away so many runs in the first inning. And it would be nice if they could last more than 5. Too much to ask?
    Makes me nervous. And the bullpen is the same way.
    So, Jane, I know what you are saying. Dodgers are still in first but the others are catching up including those evil Giants. Yikes.

  3. scofid

    I am headed for Yankee Stadium this weekend, so hopefully, they’ll find their groove before then. Of course, they’re playing the Angels which is never a good thing for the Yanks in recent years. I am ready for some happy, winning times…


  4. juliasrants

    It is very strange how the world of baseball has been tipped upside down. Posada – I’m not sure if he is completely healthy – he seemed to struggle here in Boston. Nice to see C.C. have a better outing. Good luck!


  5. cheshirecat9

    Jane, great analogy about watching a horror movie. I know this is only a four game losing streak in April, but it is horrible to watch. I wish you had the power to do all the things on your list!

  6. Lissi

    “I would make Jeter five years younger.” haha
    I call Magglio Fuzzy Hair because when his sticks out from under his helmet it looks really fuzzy and soft. I kind of just want to pet it. How do you think he would feel about that? And Placido does have the strangest shaped head I have ever seen.

  7. jewsonfirst and

    Jane, Do you get residual checks from Carrie or something? Was a friend of yours involved in the movie? And where did Verlander get a 99 mph fastball from? Are there laid-off auto workers tweaking him?

    New post is up.

  8. rrrt

    Probably one of the better movie versions of a Stephen King book – when I saw that in high school it scared the bejeesus out of me! Magglio has a nasty case of “cap hair” in that photo, and I always think of Polanco as “pumpkin head” – his head is big and round like Phil Collins’ head. A She-Fan with telekinetic powers – my mind is boggling at the possibilities! Would be fun, wouldn’t it?
    Rants, Raves, and Random Thoughts


    Sigh…welcome to the “Kick Us While We’re Down” tour. Let’s hope that they can at least break the losing streak before coming home to our annual Get Kicked By The Angels Weak-end (or maybe not?)…loved the Carrie analogies…I had the genius to take a date to that movie; woulda screamed louder myself if I wasn’t getting impaled by her fingernails!! Jersey Bob is REALLY on Hor-hay’s case now…he’s convinced that Posada is somehow tipping pitches, or pitch sequences, which is why teams tend to tee off on Yankee pitchers the second time thru the order…I dunno, I ain’t that astute…hope someone gets hot and that you’ve fully recovered from that accident…!

  10. blackhawks8819

    Just like the really cruel horror movies, when I thought there was a glimmer of hope for our protagonists (ie, three runs for a tie or a homer for a tie or runs/homer for a lead) it turned out one of the inteprid heroes was made into a flesh-eating monster and he just starts tearing into everyone left.

    *cough* Not that I’m saying Posada is a zombie or cannibal.

    I love your super solutions, Jane! I’m especially pleased that you’d help Swisher at bat. If he was as good on the plate as he is in the outfield, the Yankees would be doing much better now.


  11. Jane Heller

    The planets must be out of alignment, Renegade. I expected the Rays and Yanks to get a good jump, not the Jays, but I know stranger things have happened in baseball. Sigh.

    At least your Dodgers are in first place for now, Cat. Why didn’t they re-sign Lowe, I wonder?

    Scott, you have to bring the Yankees luck against the Angels! They aren’t faring much better than we are, so maybe this is the time to take advantage of them for a change. I hope you have a great time at the stadium and post lots of pix!

    Posada’s had a strange time of it, Julia. He was so hot in spring training and at the start of the season. Now he’s cooled off and looks bad at the plate. I sure hope he’s not hurt.

    I must keep saying that mantra, Russ. Marathon, not sprint. Marathon, not sprint. I feel better.

    I wish I had the power too, Cheshirecat. I would cure swine flu and other plagues and pestilences!

    I don’t think I’d want to pet Magglio’s hair, Melissa. In fact, I don’t even like looking at it.

    No friend involved with “Carrie,” Ken, although I was the publicist on Stephen King’s book. I had to laugh when I first saw the trailer. They spelled his name “Steven.” Figures.

    A She-Fan with telekinesis could lead to many interesting possibilities, Sue. We’d be one scary bunch.

    You could trade for Roy Halladay too, Kaybee. With Carrie’s powers, anything is possible.

    You’re safe, Jeff. Unless, of course, you try to make a fool of me at the high school prom.

    I’ve heard the rumor that Jorge is tipping pitches, Dave. I wish I had a better understanding of how that works. But Girardi’s a catcher. You have to assume he’d know if something like that was happening.

    Riddering, I worry about Swisher’s offense. He was off to such a blistering start, but he’s not that good a hitter. I really, really wish Nady hadn’t gotten hurt.

  12. Yankees Reality Check

    I just got to your blog through Pete Abraham’s and I have to say, it’s going to be one of my daily stops. Life’s tough for a Yankee fan in New England, but your posts make me feel a whole lot better.

    I couldn’t put my finger on the emotions I had watching the game last night – but the horror movie thing is perfect.

    PS: Placido’s right up there, but I think Youkilis has the most frightening noggin ever.

  13. Jane Heller

    Welcome, Yankees Reality Check. I can only imagine what it must be like rooting for the Bombers in New England, but I do give you courage points. Last night’s game felt horror-movie scary, because the Yanks looked so flat. But maybe after a good night’s sleep, they’ll have more fight (and Hughes will give us a decent outing).

    I hope you’re right, King. A hot streak would be excellent right now.

  14. mlbmom

    None of you can possibly believe that bunk that Jorgie is tipping pitches. Let’s be serious! That’s like accusing Jeter of throwing a game or Mo of blowing a save on purpose. It’s April. It’s early. It’s cold. We are still working out some kinks. We are rarely stellar in April. There’s no ring for April. Who wants their best month of the season to be April, so when you are home in October and NOT playing, you can say, “Yeah. No post season this year, but we had a great April.” This will work itsel out. Hide and watch.
    My two cents.
    Thanks for letting me vent, Jane.

  15. Yankees Reality Check

    Thanks, Jane, for the welcome. You have no idea the kind of bunk people spew around here. Joba’s a headcase, but Pedro Martinez was the thinking-man’s pitcher. Did you know that?

    Full disclosure: I’m married to a Sox fan, but he’s a little less deluded than the rest of them.

  16. Jane Heller

    I know you’re right, Wendy. And after reading that Jorge has a hammy issue, I feel guilty about demonizing him in this post. I was just so frustrated that he GIDP-ed last night. I love your venting. Keep it coming!

    You must have an interesting marriage, Yankeesrealitycheck. Do you guys watch games together? Or do you avoid the subject altogether?

  17. cheshirecat9

    Jose Molina grand slam! This is the most excited I have been since Mariano gave up the home run on Friday.

  18. mlbmom

    Jane –
    Nothing like a ten run inning to cheer a girl up!!!

    and, never thought for a second you were demonizing Jorge. NEVER!!


  19. Jane Heller

    Me too, Cheshirecat!

    A ten-run inning is a thing of beauty, Wendy. I didn’t mind Swisher’s add-on either.

  20. Jane Heller

    Sorry about the Devils, Letsgoyankees. My husband is a Rangers fan, and he’s not too happy either, hockey wise.

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