From The Vault – My First Ever “Confessions” Post

Before I move over to the new digs at my web site (url to come Friday night), I thought I’d go
back to my first post at MLBlogs. It was from August of 2008 and it
looked like this.

In May of 2007, when the Yankees were in last place, I
couldn’t take it. All the losing was killing me, keeping me up at
night, making me snap at complete strangers, giving me a really bad
headache. One night, after a humiliating interleague loss against the
Mets, I stormed into my office and wrote an article about divorcing the
Yankees. The grounds? Mental cruelty. I didn’t have a blog then, so I
vented to the New York Times, which published my article. (You can read
it here.) As a result of that article I landed a book deal for a
nonfiction account of what it really means to be a fan. It’s called
“Confessions of a She-Fan” and it’ll be out in February.

Now that I’ve finished it, I’ve been feeling desperate to be in a
community of Yankee fans – people to commiserate with and celebrate
with. Writing books is a solitary business. You basically sit in a room
all day by yourself, wondering why in the world you didn’t pick another
line of work, waiting for your publisher to call with news about
something (your manuscript, your cover, your sales). I’m hoping that
blogging will fill the void and distract me from checking my hourly
ranking on amazon and the occasional snarky review.

Yes, it’s late in the season, but today’s game was a revelation.
I’d almost forgotten what it felt like to beat a team not named the
Mariners or Orioles. I’ve been second-guessing Girardi all year – from
not starting Kennedy because it might rain, only to use him in
relief…to resting Damon when we desperately needed his hot bat…to
giving non-answers to questions about players injuries. But he looked
like a genius today, juggling the bullpen and sending Giambi up to pinch
hit. Taking the finale against the Red Sox wasn’t as satisfying as
sweeping them would have been, but it was sweet nevertheless.

Do the Yankees have a prayer of making the postseason? I gave up
on them last year and vowed I wouldn’t do it again. But it’s looking
bleak. Seriously. A.J. Burnett and Roy Halladay loom this weekend. My
heart tells me the Yanks can pull off a miracle comeback, but my husband
says I’ve been drinking the Kool Aid.

My heart was wrong, as it turned out. The Yankees didn’t make the
playoffs in ’08. Funny how I was so worried about A.J. Burnett as a Blue
Jay; now I’m worried about him for a whole different reason. And it’s
weird reading about Ian Kennedy; it’s almost as if he never existed.

Will the 2011 Yankees be non-contenders like the 2008 Yankees or will
they have the playoff magic of the 2009 championship team? Obviously,
I’m hoping for the latter.

As for blogging, I’ll be doing it win or lose. I blogged during the
wildfires here in California. I blogged while Michael was in the
hospital having surgery. I blogged when I should have been writing a
book. There’s no reason to think I’ll stop now.




    You could blog during the wildfires. You could blog during the surgery. But can you blog if Jeter is in CF?

    See you at the new digs, unless they’re so chick-like-ish I feel my testicles pinch.

    Best, el duque

  2. Jane Heller

    Yes, I can blog if Jeter is in CF, Duque! No problem. In fact, I would love the material. But in the meantime, it’ll be same old, same old only with a new address. The “Mainly Jane” blog will be way too chick lit-ish for you and will definitely make your testicles shrink. But the new “Confessions” won’t hurt you any more than this one already does.

    Excellent point, Jeff. A championship during my tenure here is no small thing and I’m very grateful for it.

    It’s fun to see how we evolve as bloggers, Paul – and how our teams have evolved. Little did I know when I wrote that post that A.J. Burnett would be a Yankee or that Ian Kennedy would be a Diamondback (assuming he still is).

  3. Jane Heller

    Ah, yes. The reunion, Dave. Sorry I missed it but glad it brought you to this blog. Just read about all the snow in DC, so I hope you’re safe and warm!


    Well, well…lookin’ back at ’08, a few things have changed.
    I too had given up on the Yanks. Tampa Bay wasn’t going away, the Sawx were chasing back-2-back titles, and it felt like “glory days” was just an old Springsteen song. That July, I had a training week in Boston…Sawx were outa town, who cares…and had hoped to see my BFF from HS, Dr. Eric, who’d married & settled in Weston…but he too was outa town on a rare vacation. Long quiet week.
    That fall, there was a big HS reunion planned. I didn’t have any plans to go…only kept in touch with two people…but then Dr. Eric called…said he was sorry he’d missed me…said that if I’d go to this thing, then he’d go. Well…alrighty, then.
    Leading up to it, some folks set up a website, just for the classmates. Catching up was more fun than expected. Then, one day, some girl named Jane logged in…said she was living in Cali, writing novels…ho-hum…but her next book was gonna be non-fiction, about the Yankees. SAY WHAT?! As James Coburn once said, “ohh…my interest is PIQUED!!” She couldn’t come to the reunion…too busy finishing the book…but she had just started this blog…anyone was free to log on and jump in…and the rest, as they say, is her-story…!!
    Looking forward to the next chapter in your life…

  5. Jane Heller

    Two years go by amazingly fast, russelw. It really does seem like yesterday when I started blogging here.

    Well, I don’t know if I can make every woman a She-Fan, but I can try, Renegade. A fan of something, if not baseball anyway. I guess we did start blogging here around the same time. May you carry on the tradition and soar!

  6. abby1306

    So many things can change in such a short period of time. Thinking about my last year; from not knowing a lot about baseball I became a diehard Yankees fan, found your book on a google search (when I was actually looking for something else – haha!), ordered it, read it, loved it. Then I found you on fb and through that your hp and this blog. And I’m so happy about all of that. It’s always interesting and funny how the team, situations and people you talk to evolve. When I started being a student teacher, I had to write a letter to myself about what I wanted to achieve in the following year. A year later they sent it to me and it was weird to see what I wanted to achieve and what I actually went through. I think it’s kind of the same to read your first post ever. A lot has changed, but it’s interesting what you thought and then your book says it all. =) I mean you only change places and add some subjects to your blog but in the end it’s still you and you don’t change (at least I hope so – lol!). So I’ll keep on reading and posting….btw can’t wait for the season to start! 😉
    – Nadine

  7. raysrenegade

    I can’t believe we boh basically moved over to the MLBlogs site around the same time. I started because I missed writing and my Rays baseball was a saving grace when I got laid-off. How far we bot have ventured in our MLBlogs journey.
    I have looked at my own first post a few times and still am at awe at how the style has changed and the passion streamed through.
    Going to miss you witty banter and comments, but as you said to me in a comment…”You are not going far”.
    Wish only success, hapiness and a fulfillment of your creative masterplan….Making every woman on this Big Blue Marble a She-Fan.

    Rays Renegade

  8. Jane Heller

    I’m so happy you found me too, Nadine. You’ve been such a positive addition to our little gathering. If only you lived in the States and could meet up with some of the other Yankee fans here. Oh well. Interesting how you feel you’ve evolved from when you wrote your letter about being a student teacher. And yes, it’ll still be me over at the new place – lol – just with different graphics and a little more to write about.

  9. Jane Heller

    Thanks, Virginia. Yes, let’s hope A.J. responds well to our new pitching coach. May he return to the scary Blue Jays pitcher I used to fear.

  10. scofid

    Dang it, you’re making it so sad that you are leaving MLBlogs. I will continue to read your work, but MLBlogs will never be the same. I know that book writing is your passion first and foremost, and the blogging about the Yankees is a hobby but thanks for the great memories that you’ve consistently delivered. You talk about the “must read” beat writers, but it’s clear that you are a “must read” blogger. Wherever you go, we’re behind you. Whatever you do, you’ll succeed.


  11. Jane Heller

    Oh, Scott. You’re making me cry!!!!!!! I have trouble with goodbyes in the best of circumstances, but this particular one is harder than I anticipated. Tonight’s the night though, so I’ll try to be a big girl and stay strong. 🙂 I’m honored that you think my blog has been a “must read.” Truly. I look forward to keeping up with yours too.

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