Waiting for the Other Shoes to Drop

I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight. Terrified. What if the Yankees sign somebody else in the next few hours and I’m too far gone to find out about it? I hate hearing about this stuff after the fact, so could somebody call me immediately if a deal goes down?
Last I heard, we were throwing money or thinking about throwing money or rumored to be throwing money at AJ Burnett, Derek Lowe and Ben Sheets (with Andy Pettitte in the rearview mirror). Will any of it happen? How will I know? I feel so out of control.
Which is why I took action before I went to bed. Since my conversation with A-Sab about the Good Life in Scarsdale seemed to nudge Cee Cee toward accepting our millions, I decided to contact the other women involved and make my pitch to them too.
Ring, ring. “Hello? Is this Karen Burnett? Mrs. AJ Burnett? It’s She-Fan calling on behalf of the New York Yankees.”

Brandy and AJ Burnett[1].jpg
“It’s very late here on the east coast,” said Karen, sounding miffed, as if I were a telemarketer. “You woke us up.”
“Sorry. I just wanted to tell you that if your husband is the least bit inclined to stay in the AL East and play for the Yankees, there’s this wonderful town where the two of you could live very happily with your children.”
“Don’t bother trying to sell me on Scarsdale. Amber Sabathia called this afternoon and gave me a big speech about it.”
“Really?” Kind of snippy. Clearly, I wasn’t going to dazzle her with the names of hair salons. But wait! Her husband was always on the DL! I could use that to my advantage! “I bet she didn’t tell you about all the excellent physicians in Scarsdale,” I said. “There’s a specialist for everything. Hammies. Rotator cuffs. Even severely strained obliques.”
“Wow. Thanks,” she said, thawing considerably. “I appreciate that, She-Fan.”
After I hung up, I wondered why I would even want the injury-prone Burnett for five years. Let the Braves have him.
I moved down my list.
Ring, ring. “Hello? Is this Betty Sheets? Ben’s mom? It’s She-Fan calling on behalf of the New York Yankees.”
“Hey there, honey bunch,” said a woman with a Louisiana drawl. “What can I do for you?”
I had read that Ben called his mother at least twice a day; that she handpicked his wife for him; that she lived for her son. She was definitely his go-to gal. “I would love it if Ben came to New York and played for the Yankees.”
“New York?” she said, aghast. “They do all that dancing and carrying on up there.”
“Not in Scarsdale,” I said. “It’s a quaint little town. No dancing or carrying on whatsoever. Well, except at the occasional bar mitzvah.”
“Never mind.” I told Betty that Scarsdale was full of southern hospitality and that Ben’s new neighbors would very likely bring over casseroles and pies and homemade quilts to welcome him.
“How sweet,” she enthused. “But what about doctors? My Ben gets hurt a lot, poor boy.”
I gave her my spiel and hung up. Why did I want Sheets again? Was the fact that we could sign him for two years instead of five a good enough reason?
Ring, ring. “Hello? Is this Trinka Lowe? Mrs. Derek Lowe? It’s She-Fan calling on behalf of the New York Yankees.”
“How dare you call me!” she huffed. “Didn’t you know Derek dumped me for some….some….”
Suddenly, I remembered that Lowe had left Trinka, a former Hooters waitress, for Carolyn Hughes, the FSN West anchor of “Dodger Dugout.”
“Forgive me,” I said. “In my excitement over the winter baseball meetings, I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“You don’t want my ex-husband on your team,” she said bitterly. “He’ll only cause pain and suffering, especially if the Yankees have a girl who does interviews from the clubhouse.”
Uh-oh. Perhaps Kim Jones, Suzyn Waldman and Kat O’Brien weren’t safe around this guy.
I thanked Trinka and wondered why I wanted the Yankees to sign Derek Lowe. Because he was more durable than the other two? Not good enough.
I was about to place a call to Laura Pettitte, thinking her husband was the only pitcher I could really trust, when I remembered the whole HGH thing from last year.
I heaved a sigh and went to sleep.

Some content on this page was disabled on January 7, 2020.


  1. jl7350a@american.edu

    Great post, absolutely hilarious. Especially the part about Derek Lowe. Classic!

    Keep up the great work.

  2. PAUL

    Marrying a girl name Trinka who worked at Hooters probably doesn’t bode well for a long marriage. Maybe when they exchanged names, Derek heard the name Trinka and thought it meant “three-way”.
    Kim Jones looks high-maintenance; Suzyn’s incredibly annoying; and Kat O’Brien looks too feisty.
    If I were a Yankee fan, I’d take the trade off of a guy like Lowe who pitches 200 innings a year and engaged in such a public drama over guys like Sheets and Burnett whose private lives are private (but might be just as salacious, if not more) and spend months at a time on the DL.

  3. Jane Heller

    Sure, I’ll call Trevor Hoffman’s wife for you, Kaybee. No problem. Just give me some talking points, since I’m not that familiar with San Diego.

    Thanks for reading, Josh. Derek Lowe is good material, so maybe he should be a Yankee.

    No interest in Debbie Clemens, Jeff. She and her hubby are off my call sheet.

    Trinka=three way. LOL, Paul.

  4. Jane Heller

    I’m not wild about them either, J-Boogie. Looks like Cashman’s going hard after Burnett though. I just pray he’s not another Pavano. And Cameron? Why in the world do we need him in CF? Hope that doesn’t happen.

  5. juliasrants

    Maybe you should call Shondra Schilling – Curt’s looking to play only half-a-season like Clemens and since the Yankees are okay with that you might get him. Dry cleaners might be a good selling point and large shade trees.


  6. hseely@twcny.rr.com


    I thought Ben Sheets married a woman named Idant Geevetoo.

    el duque

    (And AJ Burnett was married to Carol, under the auspices of Harvey Korman.)

  7. Elizabeth D

    The fact that the Yankees are even looking into Burnett, Lowe, AND Sheets after signing Sabathia (not or, AND , as you said). Ben Sheets would be another nice addition! You really should be on the welcoming staff… you’re pretty much the reason that CC is on the Yankees as far as I’m concerned 🙂

  8. Jane Heller

    LOL, Julia, about Curt. I don’t think the Yankees would be takers for him though.

    Carol Burnett lives in Santa Barbara, Duque. I saw her at my hair place a few months ago. Now that you mention it, she had the same snarl as AJ. Perhaps she’s his mother.

    Jeremy, you have tons of selling points in Toronto. Sure, it’s cold but it’s a beautiful city. Great shopping and restaurants, including the ones overlooking center field at the Rogers Centre. Loved it there.

    There you go, Kylie. Texas Medical Center is impressive, especially for Sheets!

    Thanks for saying that, Elizabeth. In my head I’m trying to help my team, even if my methods are a little twisted.

  9. raysrenegade

    That is the best way to convince a guy where to go……..show the wife the advantages of the area first.

    I am always surprised that the team do not do a all expense paid trip for the wife and kids to the area first to check out the local area. Seems it would manifest into a love-fest for the family, then he is hooked.

    But then, there are no MLB teams on Orlando for the kid’s vote, but there is Disney in Anaheim?

    Rays Renegade


  10. Jane Heller

    I’m surprised about that too, renegade. It’s one thing for a team’s GM (and various former players) to visit a targeted free agent and try to do some in-person courting. But why not fly the guy and his family to the team’s city and give them a tour? Seems like a no-brainer.


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