He needs a place to live. Now. The team is about to break camp and head north, and Gardner told the beat writers: “I haven’t started looking for housing in New York yet, but I have no intention of living in the same New Jersey extended stay hotel I used last year.”

Well, all right then, Gardy. So where are you planning to put yourself? You’re a hayseed from Holly Hill, South Carolina, and you don’t know squat about New York. Do you honestly think you can just close your eyes, point to a spot on a map of the Tri-State area and go, “I’ll move there?”

Of course not. You’re not making Jeter/A-Rod money, and you don’t have a 10-year contract. Your options aren’t limitless. You need guidance. Fortunately, She-Fan is at your service.

So…..Some choices.

You can be very conservative and simply rent a room in the house of a family whose little boy has grown up and gone away to college.

Or maybe you’d prefer a more fraternity-like atmosphere.

If so, we could probably move you into the same New Jersey condominium as them.

Oh. You’re married with a young son and you’re moving them to New York. Right. What about a two-bedroom/two bath apartment in a Manhattan high-rise for the three of you?

There are so many neighborhoods we could consider, since Manhattan is such a mixed bag.

We could find you something on the Upper East Side surrounded by types like them.

Or you might enjoy the Meat Packing District where you’d very likely run into them.

And there’s always the Chelsea neighborhood where you’d probably run into them.

O.K. You don’t want to be in the city. You’d rather find something that reminds you of home. How about a sweet little farmhouse in a bucolic area of Connecticut?

Your son is allergic to cows?

Fine. Let’s do a waterfront condo in Westchester.

Your wife is afraid of the water?

Sorry, I don’t understand. You want to live where? What’s a yurt?

Tell you what, Gardy. Find your own tent. No, I’m not mad at all. It’s your life. Just promise you’ll show up here next week and we’re good.