Tagged: Sabathia

October 21, 2008

Calling All Free Agents (The Really Good Ones)

With reports that CC Sabathia and Jake Peavy prefer to remain in the National League, that Derek Lowe longs to return to Boston and that Mark Teixeira wouldn’t mind landing in his home state of Maryland, I’m feeling slighted. What’s wrong with playing for the Yankees, people? They’re a first-class organization with a brand new ballpark and 26 World Championships. Plus, they pay well. You could do worse, believe me.

So in case CC, Jake, Tex, A.J. and others are reading this, I’ve put together a little “Why You Should Sign With the New York Yankees” post for you.

For starters, I found you a house. Well, it’s kind of a mansion.

It’s in Westchester County, where lots of rich Yankees live (about 25 minutes outside the city). It sits on its very own peninsula overlooking the Long Island Sound, so you’ll have plenty of privacy. There are 4 bedrooms and 6 baths – 8,531 square feet of luxury. All for a mere $16.5 million. Sound good so far?

You’ll also need a place in Manhattan, and I found you just the spot – in the apartment complex where lots of celebrities live right next to Central Park.

Impressive, huh? You’ll be neighbors with Denzel Washington (big Yankee fan), Sting and NASCAR’s Jeff Gordon. You’ll have a workout facility, sauna and spa treatment rooms, a 75′ pool, even an in-house private chef. It’s a pricey address, but you’ll be able to handle it.

Now, let’s show you what NY has to offer, beginning with food. Girardi doesn’t let the players have candy in the clubhouse, but the city will more than meet your cravings.

You like steak?

We’ve got The Post House, Sparks, you name it. How about a nice pastrami sandwich?

Get ready for tons of great Jewish delis. And how about some real New York cheesecake?

Yum. Oh, and if you want an elegant French dinner (say, if you’re trying to impress the guys who knew you before your big contract), take them to Daniel.

Swanky, swanky place. And hey, you’ll need great clothes when you go out. You don’t want to look tacky next to Jeter and A-Rod.

No need to shop at one of those big-and-tall men’s stores. New York has Armani. (Can’t say that about Baltimore, can you, Tex?)

And New York has nightlife.

O.K. I’m trying to be discreet with that last picture. We’re talking about a “gentlemen’s club,” where there are over 120 exotic dancers. Lap dance responsibly, please.

And finally, I’d like to remind you that if you become a famous, beloved Yankee, you just might get your own restaurant like The Mick did.

Maria
no Rivera has a restaurant too. Anything can happen when you put on the pinstripes.

Hope I’ve convinced one or more of you to sign. It’ll be fun, I swear.

September 30, 2008

New Reality Show: “Who Wants to Pitch for the Yankees”

O.K. The way this works is we forget about what the Yankees’ Tampa faction wants (we don’t really know who’s running things down there anyway). And we forget about what our G.M. wants (we don’t know yet if our G.M. is even coming back). This show is about the fans and what WE want. So here are the leading contenders for “Who Wants to Pitch for the Yankees.” The winner receives a zillion-dollar contract, a penthouse apartment in Manhattan in the same building as either Jeter or A-Rod, and the opportunity to be among the first to pitch in brand new, luxurious Yankee Stadium where the clubhouse won’t have candy and other junk food but will have plenty of protein bars.

Contestant #1. He hails from Vallejo, CA, is 28 years old, is 6′ 7″ tall, and weighs 290 lbs (yeah, sure he does). Supposedly, he doesn’t want to play in New York. Imagine that.

Contestant #2. He was born in North Little Rock, AK, is 31 years old, is 6′ 5″ tall, and weighs 230 lbs. He’s been on the DL a lot but has always managed to kill the Yankees. (Other teams? Not so much.) Personally, I could live without the Randy Johnson scowl.

Contestant #3. He’s a Baton Rouge, LA boy, is 30 years old, stands at 6′ 1″, and weighs 226 lbs (pretty puny compared to the first contestant, but then most people are). Is he healthy enough? Does pitching well in the NL mean anything in the AL? Up to US to decide.

Contestant #4. He comes from Dearborn, MI, is 35 years old (kind of old, unless you’re Mussina), is 6′ 6″ tall and weighs in at 230 lbs. Yes, he was a Red Sox castoff but so were Roger Clemens and Sparky Lyle (oh, and Babe Ruth).

And finally, here’s contestant #5. He needs no introduction.

Just kidding. The Orioles can keep Daniel Cabrera. He’s not even a free agent. I put him in here because I can’t stand him for hitting Jeter and practically every other Yankee. Actually, I think we should go after him, if only to keep our players safe.