Tagged: Mike Tyson

* “CC Needs The Adrenaline”

* That’s what Girardi said about CC’s rather abysmal outing against the Braves today (5 runs over four-plus innings). The truth is CC hasn’t been good all spring. I’m glad he’s been working on his mechanics and getting himself in shape…
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…but when does he actually start pitching well? The season starts in, like, FIVE DAYS.
“When the bell rings, CC will be ready,” the Yankees skipper told John Sterling during tonight’s radio broadcast. 
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Okay, so what Joe is saying is that CC will somehow be able to sweep away the cobwebs, pull himself together and turn himself into the guy who led the Yankees to a World Championship…by Sunday night. I certainly hope so. Maybe he does need the adrenaline that comes from pitching a game that counts, as opposed to a bunch of exhibitions. I guess we’ll find out.
I suppose I should weigh in (speaking of boxing analogies) on the Pat Venditte episode today. I’m all in favor of pitchers using whatever natural abilities they have to get hitters out, including the use of both arms.
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If Venditte, the ambidextrous wonder, proves he can retire batters from both sides, then he’ll advance through the Yankees system and become more than a novelty act. That said, he made me wonder about other possible permutations of pitchers. Like could there be a guy who pitches with his eyes closed?
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Doesn’t seem to be a problem for Hiroki Kuroda. How about a pitcher who literally turns his back to home plate?
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Hideo Nomo did it. So did Luis Tiant before him. And how about an insanely high leg kick? I need to go all the way back to Juan Marichal for that.
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What we’ve never seen is a pitcher who practically pokes his eye out with his kneecap when he winds up to throw the ball – and who has a dance named after him. Oh, wait. Yes we have.
I know. I posted this clip a few months ago. My apologies. I can never get enough of it.

When A-Rod Addresses the Media, How Will It Go?

Assuming A-Rod returns from the Bahamas and decides to speak to the media about his steroids issue, what will his strategy be? So many choices. So many ways to handle the situation. So many precedents in popular culture. Let’s take a look.

1) He could go the Clemens route, appear on “60 Minutes” (again) and defiantly proclaim his innocence.
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2) He could take his case to the ladies on “The View,” just as Alec Baldwin did after the world heard him go off on his daughter, and act apologetic and combative at the same time.
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3) He could seek out the sympathetic Diane Sawyer, in the tradition of Mel Gibson after his anti-Semitic tirade, and try to be movie star charming.
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4) He could bypass the talk show format altogether and instead hold a Giambi-type press conference in which he says he’s sorry but doesn’t say what for.
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5) He could go in the direction of Andy Pettitte and say, “I was only trying to heal faster, not gain an edge on anybody, but I’m sorry and I promise never to do it again.”
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6) He could pull an Elliot Spitzer and say he’s sorry for hurting his family, even as he’s making his wife stand there, mortified.
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(Since A-Rod doesn’t currently have a wife, perhaps Madonna or even his mother would stand in.)
7) He could angrily deny wrongdoing by employing the “Finger Pointing Defense” perfected by Bill Clinton.
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8) He could plead insanity like Blago.
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9) He could emulate the remorseful Mike Tyson, who read a prepared statement apologizing for munching on both of Evander Holyfield’s ears.

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10) And, finally, he could cry – just break down and let the tears flood his cheeks, like Jimmy Swaggert did so many memorable years ago.
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While #10 would certainly be a YouTube sensation, I’m guessing we’ll see something along the lines of #5. 
I just hope I’m not asleep tomorrow morning when all this goes down. Living in the Pacific Time Zone does have its drawbacks.

Misbehaving Jocks, Sparring Siblings And Other Issues Of The Day

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Readers of the NY Daily News already saw this roundup today, but I just couldn’t help myself from posting it for others.
Which is your favorite meltdown? And which ones did they miss?
(Warning: Don’t eat before viewing the Mike Tyson snackathon.)
We’ve all had temper tantrums, although I think it’s safe to say we haven’t had them in front of a national audience or been injected with steroids before having them. Well, at least I haven’t. I’ve never used PEDs in order to gain an advantage over other bloggers, not even those front-runners over at Red State Blue State. Seriously. I’m clean. Never dabbled in the cream or the clear. Ask George Mitchell.
Speaking of whom, baseball’s steroids czar has been named by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to be the special envoy for Arab-Israeli affairs. No kidding. Mitchell made peace between the warring nations of our sport and now he’s going to make peace in the Middle East? Good luck with that.
And while I’m on the subject of steroids, how about Mark McGwire’s younger brother Jay?
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(Jay is the desperately tanned bodybuilder; Mark is the midget-sized man on the right.)
As was reported on deadspin and MLB.com and now in today’s NY Times, baby brother Jay has been shopping a book proposal about how he turned Mark on to ‘roids. Never mind that the proposal is full of inaccuracies, and contradicts statements made by others; it’s just plain badly written. Sorry, guy, but not only are you a lousy person for ratting out a family member – you didn’t even bother to use Spell Check!
I really hope my older sister Susan Alexander, a faithful reader of this blog even though she doesn’t ever leave comments, will restrain herself from shopping a tell-all about me. Because hear this, Sue: You won’t get a penny for it. My life isn’t that interesting and you know it. Plus, as I said before, I’m clean.
Well, sure, I’ve made mistakes, sis. I was bratty when I was little. I get that.
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And I experimented with cigarettes in your room one night and burned a hole in your precious bedspread.
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And, yes, even though you said I had to stop sneaking around in your closet, I did it anyway –  the second you left the house.
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And, O.K. There was that time in high school – just one time – when you told me I absolutely, positively couldn’t take your new car out for a spin….and yet I did.
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I swear I didn’t mean to park it so close to the meter and cause that huge scratch across the passenger side door. I only had my learner’s permit! What did you expect?
You never had temper tantrums like the athletes at the top of this post, Sue. So please. Don’t have one now. Leave the books to me, all right?