Actually, what the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim demonstrated tonight against the Red Sox was too-small ball. They couldn’t catch the ball (I’m talking about you, Mr. Blinded-by-the-Lights, Gary Matthews Jr). They couldn’t hit the ball (I’m talking about you, Mr. 0-for-4, Chone Figgins). And they couldn’t run the bases (I’m talking about YOU, Mr. I-Should-Have-Been-Lifted-for-a-Pinch-Runner, Vladie Guerrero).
My grandmother used to say, “A watched pot never boils.”
Actually, the water does boil, even if you stand there watching the pot, but the idea is to stop hovering while you’re waiting for something to happen and just let it be. So that’s my new strategy regarding the Yankees. I’m going to stop reading everybody’s opinions about who should play left field and just let the situation play out. Jason Bay is out of the picture. Matt Holliday is probably out of the picture. Boras wants more for Damon than the Yankees want to spend. Nady has had two Tommy John surgeries. And Reed Johnson, Scott Posednik and Jonny Gomes don’t inspire blog posts. Brett Gardner could still get the job, but didn’t I just say I was through speculating? Enough about this subject! I’m done, I tell you. When the Yankees have something to announce, I’ll write about it then. But there will be a moratorium on all discussion of who will play left field in 2010 starting RIGHT NOW!
Instead, has everybody seen this mashup of the top ten songs of 2009? I don’t hear/see “Empire State of Mind” anywhere, but maybe I’m missing something? I need the interlocking N-Y or I’m not happy.
As I sat here in Santa Barbara, wondering if/when the Yankees would announce who will play left field, I decided to stop reading other blogs and go straight to the source. No, I’m not referring to Cashman. He’s only the GM. I figured I should talk to the man with the real power – the guy who controls the payroll. So I hopped on a plane (it wasn’t easy, given all the new security restrictions) and headed for Tampa.
“Do you know where I might find Hal Steinbrenner?” I asked my cab driver after arriving at the airport in Florida.
“Sure,” he said. “On Saturday nights he’s always at the Kit Kat Club.
“Really?” I said. “What sort of place is that?”
“A disco club,” he replied. “Everybody in Tampa knows how much that boy loves to dance.”
“Great,” I said. “Take me there, please.”
Within minutes, we pulled up to the club and I went inside.
The scene was very high energy. I searched everywhere for Hal and – success! – there he was at a table for one, sipping a scotch and looking like he was dying to get up on the floor and shake it.
“Hi, Mr. Steinbrenner,” I said. “I’m She-Fan. Perhaps you’ve heard of me. I have a Yankees blog.”
“Of course,” he said, offering me a chair. “You’re the one who does crazy videos making fun of the greatest franchise in sports.”
“Well,” I said, blushing, “I also write about how much I love the Yankees. In fact, that’s why I’m here. We really need a left fielder, Mr. Steinbrenner.”
“Call me Hal.”
“OK, Hal. Listen, I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful for the way you re-signed Andy and brought Granderson over from Detroit. I’m not so sure about Nick Johnson and Javy Vazquez, but let’s concentrate on the left field problem.”
“Problem? We have options. Have you forgotten about Brett Gardner?”
“Have you forgotten he’s not much with the bat?”
He took a few swallows of his scotch.
“You could re-consider Damon,” I pressed on. “Or go after Bay or Holliday. Just don’t settle for Reed Johnson, no offense to him. We’re the Yankees. We need an outstanding, top quality player out there.”
He considered my pitch for several minutes. And then he smiled broadly. “Don’t worry, She-Fan. I’ll call Cash in the morning and tell him what you said. We’ll find somebody. You won’t be disappointed.”
“Swear. Now let’s dance.”
And so we did.
Oh, Vlad. What happened to you? You used to be so trim and athletic when you were with Montreal.
Then you moved to the Angels and fell for their nachos with cheese, I guess. Now look at you. So porky.
What’s more, you made such a bonehead move, trying to go to third on Hunter’s pop-up. Haven’t you ever seen THIS?
That’s what your coach was telling you to do if you’d bothered to look. Oh, well. The rally monkey doesn’t really have magical powers, does it.
Yes, of course I grudgingly tip my cap to Jon Lester for an outstanding performance. And to Manny Ramirez Jason Bay for driving in those handy runs.
Speaking of Jason, there’s one more thing I’d like to get off my chest tonight. In TBS’s pre-game coverage of Dodgers-Cubs, Dennis Eckersley said on national TV that Manny was a “bad guy” and Bay was a “good guy.” Is that was a color commentator is supposed to do before a major league baseball playoff game? Engage in character assassination?
It’s true that Manny shoved the Red Sox’s traveling secretary and slapped Youkilis in the dugout (or maybe I have these backwards and he shoved Youkilis and slapped the traveling secretary). And far be it from me to stick up for even a former Red Sock. But maybe, Dennis, you shouldn’t be throwing stones. I seem to remember you had “issues” of your own.
And so we move on to Day 2 of the division series tomorrow after the Phillies, Dodgers and Red Sox won their games today. Will the Rays handle the White Sox or vice versa? Honestly? I just wish the Yankees were in it.