I’m worried about the Yankees’ GM. I am. Just look at him.
He’s such an anxious type, always on the verge of a nervous collapse. He’s been quiet, very quiet since Dana Point. Yes, it’s early in the off-season and it’s not as if free agents are being signed left and right, but what about some trades? Must we Yankees fans sit patiently (not in my nature at all) while Matt Holliday is shipped to the A’s for Huston Street and two others and even the Marlins and Nationals are exchanging body parts?
So I have to ask: What are you doing, Cash? Where are you hiding? What’s on your mind? Who are you hanging with?
I suppose it’s possible you’re in meetings with Jean Afterman, your assistant GM.
Or you could be in secret confabs with these two.
(Is it just me or do they look like they came from different fathers?)
Maybe you’re trying to escape from baseball altogether, given how stressful it must be in the Yankees’ front office. Your wife says you grind your teeth so hard at night that it scares her.
May I suggest that you purchase one of these? They’re supposed to do the trick.
I guess you could be holed up in your quaint, affluent town of Darien, Connecticut.
People say you enjoy a good game of pickup basketball, so maybe you’re doing that.
You’re also rumored to have a fondness for Australian red wine, so maybe you’re alone in your house guzzling.
Or, since you’re a good Catholic, maybe you’re in church praying that a miraculous trade will materialize.
Or maybe you’re concerned about A-Rod gallivanting around with Madonna, following her to concerts instead of working out obsessively at the gym.
And so you decided to confront her directly about leaving your highest paid star alone – and you did it first thing in the morning, before she put on any makeup.
Now that I really think about it, I bet your silence has to do with a certain road trip you’re on. You rented an RV, shut off the BlackBerry and set off on a journey.
Let others make trades. You’re driving straight to CC’s house, parking the camper right on his front lawn and waiting him out. I like it, Cash. Very proactive. You have my complete and total support.
Just came back from stalking the neighborhood in my Halloween costume (I was Jeanie Zelasco), and everywhere I went I got the same question: “Are the Yankees really getting Manny?” It was nonstop!
Not only that, you should have seen all the kids. Oh, sure. There were a few Sarah Palins. But every other costume was Manny – different versions of Manny.
I saw a Rookie Manny.
I saw a couple of Clean Cut Mannys.
I saw a Blonde Kevin Millar Manny.
I saw a Beauty Salon Manny.
I saw a Dodgers Dreadlocks Manny.
And I saw a Short Curly Locks Manny.
Yes, Manuel Aristides Ramirez Oneleida (did you know he had another last name?) was all over the neighborhood. Hank Steinbrenner told the Associated Press today that Manny was a possible option for the Yanks (along with every other free agent), and his words had a ripple effect all the way across the country to California.
Will the Manster, indeed, end up in the Bronx? I say absolutely not. We don’t need a mediocre outfielder who’s 36 years old and will cost a fortune. We don’t need a troublemaker who will shove our traveling secretary. We don’t need someone who says he hates the spotlight. We don’t need a player who fakes injuries. And we really don’t need a father with two sons named Manny, because it’s much too confusing for our media relations department.
So it’ll be NO to Manny for the above reasons and others too numerous to mention.
Of course, I predicted the Rays would win the World Series.