We all heard A-Rod explain during the press conference that it was his cousin who told him about “Boli,” procured the banned substance for him and injected him with it.
“What’s the cousin’s name?” asked George King of the Post.
The manhunt was on.
As of this writing, none of the crack journalists from SI, ESPN or the New York papers have found the cousin and have not, therefore, been able to verify A-Rod’s story.
The experts at these agencies haven’t had any luck, either.
Which has left the job to the She-Fan Detective Agency of Santa Barbara, California. My staff and I have been toiling into the wee hours, and while we haven’t located our man yet, we do have “persons of interest” in the case. I’d like to share them now in the hope that someone will come forward with valuable information.
Please look closely. Have you seen Alex Rodriguez at any time with one of the following?
Pedro Rodriguez. The Dominican born U.S. citizen lives in Paterson, New Jersey, and is Operations Manager at Sprint Nextel Communications. He is married with three boys and is said to harbor a passion for baseball.
Ramon “Mone” Rodriguez. Originally from Puerto Rico, he grew up on Manhattan’s Lower East Side, went to college at NYU and earned a degree in sports management. He later became an actor and has appeared on such TV crime shows as “The Wire.”
Carlos Rodriguez. A self-described “typical Argentine gym rat,” he played on the men’s professional tennis tour until moving to Belgium and becoming the coach, trainer and health and fitness guru of former #1 player Justin Henin.
Armando “Manny” Rodriguez. Born in Havana, Cuba, he graduated from the University of Florida with a degree in Chemical Engineering. He is currently VP, Global Sales and Marketing of DuPont-Sabanci International, headquartered in Wilmington, Delaware.
Sergio Rodriguez. Born in Tenerife, Canary Islands, he is a professional athlete who plays in the NBA for the Portland Trail Blazers and goes by the nickname “Spanish Chocolate.”
Again, if you have information on any of these “persons of interest,” contact the She-Fan Detective Agency. We’re eager to close the case and move on to baseball. Thank you.
Last time, it was Amber Sabathia who was credited with nudging her husband toward the Yankees. This time, it was Leigh Teixeira.
According to Tex at the press conference: “She said, ‘I want you to be a Yankee,’ and it was a done deal.”
Wives make all the decisions in a marriage, let’s face it. Which leads me to wonder: Why isn’t Laura Pettitte telling her husband to be a Yankee? Is she too busy trying to get her singing career off the ground?
(You’re no Rhianna, honey. Tell Andy to come home to the Bronx or we’re moving on without both of you.)
Back to the press conference. Wasn’t I pretty much on the money with my “pre-cap,” as Kathy of Redbird Chatter dubbed my last post?
Just as I called it, there was Yankees media relations director Jason Zillo welcoming everybody. I couldn’t help notice his thicker hair. Did he get plugs in the off-season or has he been consulting Guiseppi Franco?
I was wrong about Hal not saying a word. He said six or seven words.
I was wrong about Randy Levine too; I didn’t expect him to be there, let alone look like he’d come straight from a tanning bed.
I was right about Cashman’s demeanor, the presentation of roses to Leigh Teixeira, Girardi slipping the pinstriped jersey on Tex. I was right that Tex would make worshipful remarks about the Yankees, Don Mattingly, the fans, etc. And I was right about the softball questions the media would lob at him. I was wrong about George King. Where the heck was he?
Tex seemed genuinely excited to be a Yankee. He did. Yes, he’s getting paid a fortune but he would have been paid a fortune no matter where he went.
There’s just one thing: He’s kind of dorky. Take a look.
I bet he has Barry Manilow on his iPod. I bet he watches the Discovery Channel. I bet he collects stamps. I bet he puts a slice of Velveta on everything. I bet he wears pajamas.
Still, dorky or not, I like him so far. And I’ll like him even more when he goes 4-for-4 on Opening Day.
The newest Yankee won’t be introduced to the media until 1 p.m. Eastern, but I already know the drill.
A Yankees person, probably media relations director Jason Zillo, will present Mrs. Teixeira – Leigh – with a dozen long-stemmed roses.
(She’s the brunette.)
Cashman will gush about Tex while looking oddly detached.
Hal will be present but not say a word.
Girardi will drape Tex in his new pinstriped jersey.
Tex will model the jersey and try not to be blinded by all the flashbulbs.
And now the Q&A. Here’s how I think it will go.
“Hey, Mark. Pete Abraham from the Journal News. How does it feel to be a Yankee?”
“Incredible. I’m still pinching myself. I grew up idolizing Don Mattingly, so I always wanted to play for the Yankees.”
“Hi, Mark. Tyler Kepner from the New York Times. You turned down a substantial offer from the Red Sox. Was there some bad feeling on your part from your dealings with them in the past?”
“Not at all. Not at all. They’re a great organization. I have nothing but respect for them and I’m looking forward to being part of the awesome rivalry.”
“Hey, Mark. Mark Feinsand from the Daily News. You’re from the DC/Baltimore area. Did you give serious thought to playing in front of a home crowd with either the O’s or the Nationals?”
“I did, but the Yankees are winners, with so much history and tradition. I want to help us win more championships.”
“George King. New York Post. Talk about the pressure of playing in New York, Mark. The big contract. The new stadium. A crowd of 55,000 people booing you if you get off to a slow start. Any of that worry you?”
“I put more pressure on myself than anyone else could ever put on me. So no. I’m not worried. From what I’ve seen, Yankee fans are the best fans in baseball.”
“George King with a follow up. A source told me you and Alex Rodriquez hate each other’s guts from your Texas Rangers days. True?”
“Um, I don’t know where that rumor came from. I have tremendous respect for Alex and the way he plays the game. I’m really looking forward to being his teammate.”
“George King again. Another source told me you read books in your spare time. That’s kind of weird for a ballplayer.”
“I don’t read books. I hunt and fish and hit golf balls. No books.”
“Then what about this poster?”
George holds up the evidence for everyone to see.
There’s an audible gasp in the room. More flashbulbs. Mark is caught in his first lie as a Yankee.
“O.K. So I read one stupid book before it even came out. It was right after I signed with the Yankees. I wanted to find out what the fans here are really like.”
“Hello, Mark. John Sterling, the voice of the Yankees on WCBS. Was the book Jane Heller’s ‘Confessions of a She-Fan,’ by any chance? I heard I’m the hero of it.”
“Yeah, that’s it. You’re not the hero, but you have a bunch of scenes. Like that dinner where you let her try on your World Series rings. Oh, and when you said you never ever go to the bathroom during the games. LOL, John. Seriously.”
Jason Zillo steps to the podium. “Thanks, everybody. That’s all for today.”
Never a dull moment.
I was moping around tonight, mourning the loss of the finale against the Red Sox (thanks a lot, Veras) as well as the end of the season, when a friend called to tell me about poor Heather and her arrest on the main road that intersects with my street. I must be psychic! Check out my previous post about starting a neighborhood watch and catching criminals as a way to pass the time! I was only kidding, obviously, but here’s a link to the story from my local paper, complete with Ms. Locklear’s unfortunate mug shot.
I know we’ll be hearing lots of Yankees news over the next few months, and I’m somewhat consoled by that. One thing George King of the NY Post told me last year is that there really is no off-season when it comes to the Yanks; they’re always making headlines. So at least we can look forward to Girardi’s press conference tomorrow and Cashman’s upcoming announcement about whether he’s staying on as GM, plus decisions about Abreu, Moose, Pettitte and free agent signings and trades. And are they keeping the coaching staff?
It’s all a mystery at the moment. In the meantime, let’s hope the players stay out of trouble now that they’ve scattered and gone home. I don’t want to see any mug shots of Yankees.