Tagged: Adam Dunn

Meet The Nats

On the eve of the Yankees’ opening game of the series against the Washington Nationals, here’s an exclusive She-Fan scouting report on the Nats, which are not to be confused with the Gnats.

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I have no clue which of the following players will actually be in the lineup, but I am not treating this series cavalierly. So what if the Nats are in the NL cellar? Any team can beat any other team on any given day. Yes, that’s a lot of “any’s,” but you know what I mean.
* Willie Harris (3B/LF)

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A versatile player who had tours of duty with the White Sox, Red Sox, O’s and Braves, he is known to do back flips on the field, in the manner of Ozzie Smith. Tip to Yankees: Do not try to imitate him or you’ll end up on the DL.


* Nick Johnson (1B)

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I always liked Nick when he was with the Yankees, but he couldn’t stay healthy. In ’06 alone, he fractured his right femur and injured his right tendon sheath (whatever that is). He’s batting .315 this season and has grown some jowls. Tip to Yankees: Do not say anything snarky about Larry Bowa, who happens to be his uncle.
* Ryan Zimmerman (3B/DH)

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Who could forget his 30-game hitting streak earlier this season? It was the only thing Nats fans had to cheer about. Tip to Yankees: Do not throw one down the middle to this guy.


* Adam Dunn (1B/LF)

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He sort of looks like Mike Schmidt in this picture, doesn’t he? A former Red and Diamondback, he has 67 strikeouts this year. Tip to Yankees: Go ahead and throw one down the middle to this guy.


* Elijah Dukes (CF)

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He went to the same Tampa high school as Gary Sheffield and Dwight Gooden, and was a Devil Ray before joining the Nats. According to his bio, he is “double jointed.” Does that explain his three trips to the DL last year? Tip to Yankees: Try to tie him up at the plate and maybe he’ll contort into a pretzel.

* Corey Patterson (CF/RF)

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He was with the Cubs, O’s and Reds, but more importantly his father, Don, was a defensive back with the Detroit Lions and NY Giants. Tip to Yankees: If he comes in hard at second to break up a double play, let him.


* Alberto Gonzalez (SS)

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Remember Gonzo? He was our Ramiro Pena of a few years ago – a good defensive utility infielder who only had one error while with the Yanks. Now he’s learned how to hit too, apparently, with a .319 average. Tip to Yankees: Don’t be so quick to get rid of players like him.


* Josh Bard (C)

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He was an Indian,
a Red Sock and a Padre, but his biggest claim to fame was leading Cherry Creek (CO) High School to back-to-back state titles. Tip to Yankees: Don’t sweat it.


* Cristian Guzman (SS)

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Uh-oh. He’s good. A Dominican switch-hitter, he was the first National to hit for the cycle and he’s batting .322. He used to be with the Twins and I think he hurt us back then. Tip to Yankees: Pretend he’s, like, Orlando Cabrera, or somebody else who always kills us.


* Anderson Hernandez (2B)

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He doesn’t have any homers yet this season. Not one. That could change at the Jetstream Palace, of course, but I don’t see it. Among the accomplishments listed in his bio is the fact that he has five sisters. I have four sisters. Does that make me a good ballplayer? Tip to Yankees: Don’t walk him, hit him or balk him; it’s not necessary.


GO YANKS! And don’t forget to meet me at Stan’s Bar on Wednesday!

She-Fan Exclusive: Japanese Manager Disses Americans

Shortly after Jeter and company were eliminated from the WBC, I fought the crowds at Dodger Stadium and the blustery conditions and found my way into the clubhouse. I made it inside just as the manager of the Japanese team was answering questions posed by the media. Fortunately, I am fluent in Japanese and can interpret everything for the American blogosphere.

She-Fan: “Sir, why do you think you beat Team USA so convincingly?”
Managerアメリカ人weren’ よいt非常に。
(Translation: “The Americans weren’t very good.”)
She-Fan: “Could you be a little more specific?”
Manager彼が打撃練習を投げていたように先発投手、見るローイOswalt。 彼は何も有しなかった。
(Translation: “Their starting pitcher, Roy Oswalt, looked like he was throwing batting practice. He had nothing.”)
She-Fan: “That’s rather harsh, Sir. It wasn’t all Oswalt’s fault.”
Manager本当。 アメリカ人は3つの間違いを作った。 いかに薄く水っい得ることができるか。 Weren’ 巧みなプレーヤーがあるために仮定されるtデイヴィッドライトおよびブライアンロバーツか。 そしていかにデレックJeterについてか。 私に彼はfat.”を見た;
(Translation: “True. The Americans made three errors. How sloppy can you get? Weren’t David Wright and Brian Roberts supposed to be skilled players? And how about Derek Jeter? To me he looked fat.”)
She-Fan: “Fat? Jeter is in great shape, Sir. Well, I guess he could lose a few pounds, but once he’s back in Tampa he’ll – Never mind. Any other comments about the game?”
Manager: エバンLongoriaは主状態で打った。 He’ s子供だけ、権利か。そしてアダムDunnはこと彼を過ぎた球のしたたりの権利認めた。 私達の全チームはそれが起こったときに笑い始めた。
(Translation: “Evan Longoria struck out in a key situation. He’s only a child, right? And Adam Dunn let that ball dribble right past him. Our whole team started laughing when that happened.”)
She-Fan: “Not very good sportsmanship, if you ask me.”
Manager多分ない、しかしそれは陽気だった。
(Translation: “Maybe not, but it was hilarious.”)
She-Fan: “Any thoughts on your match-up against Korea?”
Managerはい。 私はアメリカ人がTVのゲームを見ることをして非常刺激的があり、私が望むことを考えるそれらを。 私達がこと”のそれらの競技者より面白いあなたの読者を言いなさい; アメリカIdol.”
(Translation: “Yes. I think playing them will be very exciting, and I hope the Americans will watch the game on TV. Please tell your readers that we are more entertaining than those contestants on ‘American Idol.'”)
So there you have it – straight from the post-game press conference. I tried to get Jeter to say a few words, but he was on his third Big Mac with fries and didn’t want to be disturbed.

Clearance Sale! Everything Must Go!

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With only two weeks until spring training, I took myself out for a little retail therapy. No, not for shoes and handbags. Please. I’m talking about free agents. They’re on sale! They’ve been marked down! They’re at low, low prices and they come with home delivery at no extra charge!
Not one to pass up a bargain, I marched over to the Free Agent Store and spent a few hours browsing the racks. Would I find anyone for the Yankees in my capacity as their personal shopper? Anyone who might look good in pinstripes?
I breezed past the Pitchers Department, since the Yanks are well stocked with arms for the season, and zeroed in on the Position Players.
Did I have any interest in buying Adam Dunn?
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No, not really. Lots to like, but I already have enough sluggers who can’t field. Besides, I’m not sure I could embrace a player whose nickname is “Big Donkey.”
Orlando Hudson?
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Again, I already have a second baseman so what would be the point? It would be like buying two shower curtains even though I only have one shower.
Orlando Cabrera?
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Talk about a surplus. The Yankees have two Gold Glove shortstops, even though one of them plays third base. No sense splurging on another one.
Ken Griffey Jr?
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I overheard the saleslady say he’s being shipped to the Seattle store.
Frank Thomas?
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Not a chance. The Big Hurt nearly ran me over with his Bentley when I was in Toronto for the book. All I wanted was five minutes. Sheesh.
Garret Anderson?
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Damaged goods. I’m still having flashbacks of his pink eye during the ’07 ALDS. For all I know, he could bring that conjunctivitis to the Bronx with him.
I didn’t even bother looking at Manny (too expensive and hard to maintain) and I-Rod (been there, done that). I did experience a pang of regret as I lingered over Abreu. How could the Yankees not want to bring back El Comeduce, which is Spanish for “the candy eater?” I was tempted to buy him anyway and let the Yankees return him, but the Free Agent Store had a no-returns policy.
I was feeling a little down as I strolled through the aisles, wondering if there were any bargains worth getting excited about, when I came upon Ty Wigginton.
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“Wiggy.” Hmm. The Yankees already have a third baseman, obviously, but what about a utility man? Would Cody Ransom be filling that need? Or was there an opening for someone else?
I leaned closer to examine the merchandise. According to Ty’s tags, he actually delivered his own baby when his wife went into labor unexpectedly. They were at home and he called 911 and the dispatcher talked him through the procedure, which he pulled off in a bedroom closet! He even tied the baby’s umbilical cord with his shoelaces! Now if that isn’t resourceful, I don’t know what is. Imagine what he could do for the Yanks in a pinch.
“I’ll take him,” I told the saleslady. “Wrap him up and deliver him to Yankee Stadium, Bronx, New York, 10451.”
“Would you like a gift card?” she asked.
“Oh, just scribble something on his forehead,” I said. “How about: ‘For Joe Girardi, a little insurance. Best wishes, She-Fan.'”