It’s Official: Yanks Suffering From Debilitating Virus

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Apparently, this virus affects otherwise healthy young men and turns them into hitters who can’t hit. It doesn’t matter if the pitcher is Jamie Moyer or Hisanori Takahashi or assorted no-name relievers. It really doesn’t. The virus causes the bats to fall asleep anywhere, any time, in any position.
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Last night the virus sufferers wasted a gem by Andy Pettitte. Tonight they ate into a brilliant performance by Javy Vazquez. The poor guy pitched his heart out and his teammates stood by and watched. Strange. Very strange. If there’s a doctor out there with any experience in curing this virus, I hope he or she will step forward before it’s too late. 
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12 comments

  1. ooaooa

    The boys from the Bronx are making my stay here in Maine difficult. The official mourning period for the Celtics yesterday was clocked at 17 minutes and 4 seconds because their “Nation” has awakened. There are these strange looking people with scary grins on their faces coming out of the woodwork everywhere. I remain unrelenting in my intended quest but I need some co-operation from my Empire!

  2. dschaub@gpo.gov

    I’m speechless. So…what to do…? Break out in song (altho’ maybe the blues is more apropos, try this…to the tune by Eddie Floyd…cue the horns, & the funky beat)…
    “I don’t wanna lose
    This good thing
    That we got…
    If I do
    We would surely,
    Surely lose a lot…
    ‘Cause our team is better
    Than any team I know…
    Give us thunder — lightnin’ —
    The way we hit is frightenin’
    We better knock (knock knock knock knock) on wood…”
    There now. All better?

  3. Jane Heller

    You do need cooperation from the Empire, John, and you’re not getting it. Enough with tipping our caps to pitchers. It’s time for action so you can fend off those smiling faces. Just remember we went into a June Swoon last year at this time (I was there when we lost the series to the Nationals and couldn’t hit), so it’s a long season. Things will get better, maybe even today.

    Good one, Dave. I’m knocking on wood and the team IS better than any team I know, so you’re lyrics are right on.

    I don’t think so, Peter. I think it’s the Yankees’ June Swoon (or June Gloom, as we call it here in CA when the fog rolls in for the entire month). Glad your guys finally snapped out of their…funk.

  4. Jane Heller

    We’re trying, Jenn, but I’m not sure that vitamin C is strong enough for this particular anemia!

    I don’t know, Scott. We’re down by two as I type this, so I hope there’s a rally coming.

    I like the idea of a market correction, Jeff. But it needs to re-correct fast because, as you point out, there’s loud knocking on the door.

  5. Jane Heller

    Yup, Mike. We got one back and shed the virus for today. Maybe a cure is coming. Looking forward to tomorrow.

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