My Husband Couldn’t Handle It

While Michael was as thrilled as I was that the Yankees won their 27th World Championship, he had already gone into a depression on Wednesday before Game 6; he was grieving the end of the baseball season even before it happened. Still, I didn’t think anything of it while I was driving along in my car this afternoon and a bulletin came on my local radio station saying our bank had been robbed – the very same bank where Michael had made a withdrawal on Wednesday. But then I got home, went online and read the article about the robbery – and was shocked to see that one of the suspects bore a striking resemblance to Michael. Check out the story.

Suspects Sought in Armed Robberies at Two Santa Barbara Businesses

Two men flee with cash from Bank of America and Machine Gun Deli

A photo taken from surveillance video shows the suspect in Wednesday's robbery of the Bank of America at 1096 Coast Village Road in Santa Barbara

A photo taken from surveillance video shows the suspect in Wednesday’s robbery of the Bank of America at 1096 Coast Village Road in Santa Barbara. (Santa Barbara Police Department courtesy photo)

By  | Published on 11.05.2009

Santa Barbara detectives are searching for suspects in armed robberies Wednesday at two local businesses.

At 5 p.m. Wednesday, a male robbed the Bank of America at 1096 Coast Village Road. The suspect entered through the rear doors and approached a female teller, handing her a note demanding cash.

The suspect claimed that he had a handgun and simulated one with his hand. No weapon was seen.

The teller handed over an undisclosed amount of cash. The suspect took the cash and ran out the back doors.

He was described as a white male in his mid-50s, 5 feet 5 inches tall with a medium build, gray hair and a gray goatee.

Detectives with the FBI and the Santa Barbara Police Department are conducting a joint investigation.


A “white male in his mid-50s with a medium build, gray hair and a gray goatee?” Hello? Sounded like my husband to me. And doesn’t the guy in the surveillance camera photo look like him?


I questioned Michael a few minutes ago and he wouldn’t give. So I contacted the FBI. They’re grilling him as I type this. I really hope he’s exonerated, because I plan on watching the parade tomorrow morning, not holding his hand in jail.
On a happier note, today was all about the Yankees for me – and about checking in with other fans. Peggy, who comments frequently here and who watched Game 6 with her Yankee fan friends at Mickey Mantle’s last night, sent this pic along.
And ladyjane, another friend of the blog, was at Game 4 in Philly and had the good fortune to have Mo toss her a ball. That’s right. MO. See how she’s holding it? Like’s it’s a precious gem? That’s exactly what is it. I mean, the man touched it!
(Of course, I would have asked him to write “I love you, She-Fan” on it, but that’s just me.)
Guess what? The cops just finished interrogating Michael and he confessed to robbing the bank! It turns out the motive was totally unselfish: he needed cash to buy me all the World Series gear my closet could hold. Luckily, the FBI guys were understanding – their wives were she-fans too – and they let him keep the money. So here’s what I’m buying:
Who says crime doesn’t pay?




    Please buy the she-fan style as it will look much nicer on you! She-fans unite.


    PS Great story.

  2. Jane Heller

    The trouble with the women’s sizes is they shrink and don’t last long, Laurie. At least that’s my experience. So I usually buy the male smalls and they’re great. I still have T-shirts from years ago, including the 2000 World Series one. Glad you liked the story. My husband’s a good sport to put up with me, don’t you think?

  3. mikeeff

    how fun! i was once in a bank during a robbery in nyc in the 80’s Manufacturer’s Hanover Trust on 79th st. a very casual affair. he didnt even bother making us get on the ground. we just stood around chatting… the guy was caught a block and a half away. a real loser…


    Glad to hear what you think about the shirts. I’ll take that into consideration.

    I’m sure he loves putting up with you – never a dull moment. Please check out my post on yesterday’s blog entry. I look forward to your response.

    Looks like all the East Coasters are asleep already!


  5. stacie32

    Hey Jane~
    Im glad to hear that you are buying gear as well!! In honor of the Yankees 27th win, I went ahead and bought 2 seats from the old stadium that are signed by Jeter and River. They come in 4 weeks and I cannot wait!!!

  6. Jane Heller

    HAHAHA, Mike. That sounds like the kind of bank robberies they have around here – very civilized. No more Bonnie and Clyde, I guess. Btw, did you see Public Enemies, the Johnny Depp movie from last year? I seem to be the only one who liked it.

    My husband thinks I’m “entertaining,” Laurie. I make him laugh, which comes in handy during tense moments. 🙂 I think the East Coasters are wiped out from last night!

    Stacie, I can’t resist buying some gear. It’s not every day that your team wins the World Series, right? Lucky you buying those two seats!!!!! OMG. I’m so jealous. Where will you put them when they arrive?

  7. lenn23

    Heck, I still have the A.L. Championship t-shirt from 1996! That was a pretty big one at the time as it had been 15 years since they were last to the World Series. Didn’t know at the time how much more stuff I would have to buy over the next 7 years! Also got the DVD since I was too nervous to catch some of the action as I was looking away! It’s times like these that I wish I was still in Jersey.

  8. heartruss

    So funny, Jane. I would love to spend everyday with you. I would be laughing all the time.
    I have my Western Division championship shirt, in men’s, signed by a few Dodgers, which I treasure probably as much as you will treasure your new shirts. I am proud of my guys. I know you are very proud of yours. They all played their hearts out. I totally love your team too. (maybe not so much when the two teams play in 2010). Just reading your blog as well as Virginia’s made the Yankees so human. Thanks so much.


    yesterday i was so tired happy that i felt drunk. it was fun even though i was quite spacy. i wore my 98 world series championship shirt to the gym and didn’t notice if i got dirty looks. i worse my mariano fleece (he modeled in the catalogue so i think of it as his) all day and people mostly treated me well–even in boston my co workers could be happy with my obvious joy–the grin wouldn’t come off despite various crises at work.
    by the way the boston globe had an article about a gathering in a bar in boston of yankee fans. apparently there is a yankee fan club in boston. i guess i got to check them out.
    today i woke up sad that there is no baseball for a while but still quite happy and also i little relieved that i can get back to getting regular sleep and not have my emotions on a roller coaster out of my control. i guess i can watch old yankee videos all winter and just re live this season.
    how wild was that that girardi came to the aid of a stricken driver on the highway on his way home after the game!
    i feel so lucky that i don’t work much today and can watch the parade. i heard it’s on mlb network and espnnews so i kept saying outloud to myself, how lucky am i?
    and how lucky are we, yankee fans. our team has won 27 championships.
    still smiling, barbara


    Maybe Michael’s just “The Gangster of Love”…?! Yeaah, baby!! Yes, it sure was nice to get a REAL full night’s sleep last night…Mrs. YH tried to goad me with the typical put-downs; yes yes they bought it, blah blah (lucky for me I have perfected the typical Husband’s Headnod when the wife’s talking, agreeing with everything, hearing nothing)…Son #2 wants the T-shirt and the hat…I’m thinking of cancelling my SI subscription, so when they come up with a book or video about That Championship Season, free with a new subscription, I’ll…resubscribe! Is that wrong? Wore my Mickey Mantle-Whitey Ford Fantasy Baseball Camp jacket everywhere yesterday…only take it out of the closet for special occasions…18 years old, looks like new…it has Mickey & Whitey in action poses embroidered on the back…in navy blue satin, like a Yanks jacket…you’d LOVE it…saw one of the executive secretaries at the elevator yesterday, wearing a pinstriped Jeet uniform jersey…didn’t know she was a she-fan…she said some folks hassled her, I told her Never Mind the Haters…and now, I will HAVE to introduce her to your book…my my, life can be So Good sometimes, y’know?


    Michael is a great sport. Let’s hope he doesn’t apply for a loan or something and they search for info about him online!

    I read that the cop who arrived on the scene of the accident found it “surreal” that Girardi was there. I watched a replay of the post game on YES last night so I could see what happened after I went to sleep. It was so cute to see Kim Girardi touching Joe’s arm, like she was so happy for him she just needed to make contact. Some of my friends were speculating that Damon was on some pain meds because he was a little out of it with his interview.

    mikeeff, love the bank robbery story! Not like in the movies!!!

    The whole chair thing from Yankee Stadium and Stiener’s collectables is such a clear example of how baseball has changed. In 1973 when the Stadium was being remodeled, my brothers and their friends went down. They all got seats, dirt from the infield, even some turf. Free. Fans were allowed to just come in and take stuff. So there’s probably a whole row of seats here in our town!

    I’m still pinching myself over this win! Every once in a while, I turn to my husband and say (with a huge grin on my face) “The Yankees won the World Series.”

    I went to a school function last night and someone I know had a Yankees cap on. I said something about the win and he said he was at the stadium. Lucky dog! He said it was one of the greatest days of his life. The crowd at the event I was at was filled with Yankees shirts, caps, etc.



    Hi Jane,
    Hope Michael is not in the slammer too long, Yankee withdrawal does strange things to us, nothing too watch anymore, it is very depressing…….still…… thinking about the series and and the celebration will have to take all of us to April……I think I am also grateful that we won’t have to see Cano at the plate again for 5 months, see Joe West behind the plate, have to listen to Joe Buck and McCarver…..listen to Rosenthalls ridiculous questions……watch Phil Coke walk to the mound…….also grateful to read your great blog and laugh at your insight of the game……Enjoy the off season………..Jane

  13. pinstripepride3

    Jane, the FBI forced a fake confession out of Michael. Here’s how I can tell: The man in the picture is not wearing a Yankee hat. Anyone who would refuse to go to the emergency room after breaking his ankle until after he got to watch Roger Maris break Babe Ruth’s record would definitely be wearing a Yankee cap the day after they won the World Series, no matter how much he snapped. Unless…it was just a very clever disguise.

  14. ladyjane303

    LOL!!!! Loved the story – Michael is a great sport. And thanks for including the picture of the ball from “my friend Mo” as I now call him. Still euphoric. Watching the parade now – so great! I raided the Yankees Club store on 59th St yesterday for a couple of shirts and a world series sweatshirt – wanted a Mo shirt, but they were sold out. Can’t wait til they’re back in stock. Here’s a coincidence on the Girardi-at-the-accident story – the woman in the accident was 27 years old. Spooky, no? More impressions from Wednesday night: I sat in the far right field stands, right over the bleacher creatures. We all know how great they are during roll call (which I loudly joined in on), but they have stuff going on there through the whole game that is really funny and clever. We watched half the game standing up – I never saw the crowd stand for a batter with a 3-ball count before. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE singing along to God Bless America – goosebump time. Mary J Blige doing the National Anthem – awesome. Looking forward to hearing your impressions of the parade.

  15. Jane Heller

    Len, I still have every Yankees shirt I ever bought. Some are ripped and faded, but I can’t bring myself to throw them out. DVDs are on my Christmas list this year. Lots to watch during the LONG winter.

    I’m glad I humanized the Yankees for you, Cat, and made them more likable. You did the same for the Dodgers. You should have seen Jeter, Pettitte and Posada on “Letterman” last night. They were adorable. Matsui made a cameo!

    Duque, my husband has been robbing banks all over the country, it seems. He and the “Grandpa Bandit” have an eerie similarity. I must insist that he seek professional help. I really don’t need that many Yankees shirts and jackets. Good to know you’re reading. I do the same with your blog. I don’t always leave comments because I’m laughing too hard.

    I felt the same way, Barbara! I was so tired and happy it was like having a hangover (and I didn’t even drink the champagne). So good to know there’s a Yankee fan club in Boston. Sounds like fun. There’s something called Evil Empire West in LA, but that’s a 90 minute drive for me so I don’t go down there to watch games with them. I’m watching the parade right now and thinking the same thing you are: How lucky are we?

    I love that you wore your Mantle-Ford jacket, Dave! And thank you for being protective of the she-fan that got hassled. Very chivalrous. You make us proud!

    That story about Girardi and the car accident victim is surreal, Melissa. The fact that she’s 27 years old was downright spooky! I’ve been doing the same thing you are: pinching myself and saying, “The Yankees won the World Series.” And then I just smile.

    Michael is out of slammer, Jane. He’s watching the parade with me right now, so all is well. 🙂 I hope you’ll keep reading during the off-season. There’s always something to talk about!

    You’re so right and you have a very good memory, pinstripepride. The guy in the bank wasn’t wearing a Yankees cap and Michael is rarely without his – not the guy who wouldn’t go to the hospital until Maris broke the record. Good detective work!

  16. Jane Heller

    I love the last shirt too, Mark. It’s fleece and just the thing for our cool California nights. I’m buying it for sure!

    Ladyjane, I’m watching the parade right now and taking notes, so I’ll be posting about it later. For starters, how fashionable does Mo look? Love his scarf! Very cool that the crowd stood for so long on Wednesday night. I could hear how loud and into it everybody seemed to be, and it was fabulous. You took the words right out of my mouth about the car accident victim; as you’ll see from my comment above I said her age (27) was “spooky” – and that was before I read your comment! Great minds think alike!

  17. cheshirecat9

    Hi Jane. Funny post! You always crack me up.

    I just got home from the parade and turned on NY1 in time to see Bloomberg handing out the keys to the city. The parade was half awesome, half one of the more annoying experiences I have ever had. Annoying because standing in a packed crowd shoulder to shoulder with a million people for over three hours is kind of trying. Even if they are all Yankee fans. Most people were polite, but some people push through the crowd like they are the most important people in the world.

    Awesome because I got to see the Yankees Victory Parade! I am a little over 6 feet tall and I have never been more glad to have that height advantage. People all around me were grumbling they couldn’t see anything. I got great views of Jeter, Teixera, Sabbathia, Joba, Jorge, Cano,Pettitte, Swisher (who looked pumped!), Damon and Mo. I am sure everyone else passed by but I missed them somehow. It was a great experience, except for the annoying parts. But I am sure those memories will fade in time and I will just be left with the good images.

    I took a bunch of pictures. If any of them come out good I will send them to you.

  18. Jane Heller

    I just finished watching it, cheshirecat, and I can see why you got pushed and shoved. There was a BIG crowd. Good thing you were tall enough to see the good stuff and, yes, send pics if there are any you want to share. I wish the players had each been giving a minute to say something when they got their keys, but I guess it would have taken forever. Will do my full parade blog post later!

  19. ibleedpinstripes

    What an amazing run. I effing love this team. I wish this was a never ending season. *sigh* 96 days ’til pitchers and catchers! 150 ’til Opening Day! Here’s to a successful offseason full of good fortune for our boys, and to the possibility of a #28!

    – Lisa

  20. kozmo

    #27 is really sweet, Jane. I am sure you’re enjoying the heck out of this. Funny picture on another post with you and the champagne. I thought about spraying the Sam Adams Winter Lager I had in hand, but drinking it in celebration was just too tasty to pass up.

    For anyone mulling over the gear Jane posted above, I own a Yankees navy fleece, and it is really comfortable–perfect for Fall and Spring, and warm.

    I posted some thanks at The Heartland, whenever you get a chance, Jane.

    Jason from The Heartland

  21. Jane Heller

    I wish the season lasted forever too, Lisa. But think how excited we’ll be when it starts back up again in February! And our guys deserve a nice rest. Still, it’s sad to think they’re at the Stadium right now cleaning out their lockers.

    Very entertaining, Laurie. I was waiting for something to happen toward the end of that discussion and it did! Thanks for the link.

  22. Jane Heller

    #27 is sweeter than I even thought, Jason. I know we’ve been lucky to win so many championships, but if felt like a long time since 2000. A big high five coming your way right now. So you recommend the fleece item? Good to know. It does look comfy. I’ll drop by your blog now. I’m sure you’ve summed up the Series with your usual articulateness.


    Sent my husband a email today asking him to please stop at Modells (by his work) and spend a million dollars on a t-shirt. He says I owe him because the line was really long and he’d never seen Modells so crowded.

    Josh Tompson on the loHud blog said “I still remember where I was when the Yankees won in 1996 — at a house party with some friends. I was 16 at the time, but I don’t recall the entire series pitch-by-pitch, nor do I remember the parade. So for people a few years younger than me, the run from ‘96-’00 is even more clouded in their memory. “This felt like my championship,” a few people told me. Very true, if you don’t remember the others.”

    I’m feeling old because I sure remember the championships of the ’70s. My earliest Yankee memory was going to spring training in 1964 and seeing Mel Allen, Roger Maris, and Mickey Mantle. (Could it be the Mick was asking people if they’d ever met a girl named Jane who liked to write and wanted to marry him?)


  24. rrrt

    Love the picture of ladyjane’s “precious gem”. I read an interesting article on Rivera at the dentist’s office while my son was getting his teeth cleaned earlier this week. Apparently his cutter wasn’t something he tried to develop. It just…happened one day. The article says the catcher he was warming up with told him to knock it off, because he couldn’t catch the ball. In fact, for awhile, the coaches worked to try to straighten his pitches back out to the way they were before! Eventually they decided to just go with it, the rest is, as they say, history.
    (I tried to comment on your post yesterday, but I kept having trouble logging in. The picture of you spraying yourself with champagne was too funny! I hope it wasn’t a very expensive bottle.)
    Rants, Raves, and Random Thoughts

  25. Jane Heller

    I’m feeling old too, Melissa. (We must be a similar “vintage.”) I went to spring training once when the Yanks were in Ft. Lauderdale and it was so much fun. But it was after The Mick had retired – without even asking me to marry him. Imagine! I savor this championship precisely because I do remember the previous ones and I have an understanding of just how hard it is to win.

    I read that article too, Sue. Or one like it. Mo’s history is fascinating when you think that he came up as an infielder, then was unmemorable as a starter who converted to a reliever who just “happened” to throw that cutter. And it all began in Panama, where he was the son of a fisherman but wasn’t very good at fishing himself. He says he’ll go back there when he retires and be an evangelical minister. I hope that time doesn’t come! Sorry about your log in problem yesterday. I’ve been having problems commenting myself, so I don’t know what’s up. And no, I bought the cheap stuff for that picture!

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