She-Fan Exclusive: How The Yanks Can Beat Halladay

It’s back to baseball on Tuesday night, as the Yankees will face Roy “I’m so glad the trade stuff is over” Halladay at the Rogers Centre. Clearly, he’s a formidable pitcher, but the Yanks have only a half-game lead in the division and need the victory. So I decided to analyze video of Doc and come up with fool-proof ways to beat him – strategies I’m fairly sure that Girardi and his coaches haven’t thought of.
Here’s the footage….
…and my strategies.
#1) Turn him around and make him pitch left handed.
Why not? He’s a righty. Take him out of his comfort zone from the get-go. If Andy Pettitte can throw left handed, why can’t Halladay?
#2) Infiltrate the Blue Jays’ laundry department and shrink Doc’s pants.
When he brings his left leg up to his chest during his windup, the pants will split open and he’ll have to bolt for the clubhouse to get another pair, thereby interrupting his rhythm.
#3) Ask AJ Burnett to reveal Halladay’s most hated song and make sure it’s played during his warmup.

This will not only distract him, but possibly make him snap if the singer is irritating enough.
#4) Get Halladay’s wife to nag him between innings.
Since he’s notoriously strict about not speaking to anyone before or during his starts, having his wife nag him about putting the cap on the toothpaste, emptying the dishwasher and taking out the garbage should infuriate him.
nagging wife-saidaonline.jpg
#5) Someone must charge the mound.
No, not to throw a punch. Simply to look menacing if Roy comes in remotely high and tight, the way good old Richie Sexson looks here. Maybe Doc scares easily.
Those are my suggestions. There are others, of course. The Yankees could trash talk Roy from the dugout and see if he cries. Or they could pay the Blue Jays’ clubhouse attendant to deprive him of sunflower seeds. But the important thing is that the Yankees must use any means necessary to win this game. Any. Means. Necessary.


  1. ibleedpinstripes

    Too funny! I’m quite partial to that “playing his least favorite song” selection… Though it might not be very effective, I’d like to know what it is, lol. Any means necessary is right. In all honesty (and possibly cruelty…) I hope this not being traded business goes to his head a little, or a lot, whichever works. I mean if I were in his shoes I’d be pretty angry/frustrated/other form of not being happy. I kind of feel bad for him, but as of tomorrow, NO MORE MERCY. The Yanks better break out the bats and get to smackin’! I am PUMPED! WOOO!

    – Lisa

  2. Jane Heller

    They’d better break out the bats, field the ball like major leaguers and get a great outing from Andy, Lisa. No mercy whatsoever!

  3. levelboss

    my suggestion on how the Yankees can beat Halladay is for Cashman to approach Halladay before the game and perhaps hint that a big fat contract could be awaiting him in time to come – and maybe low 90’s fastballs right over the plate EVERY TIME would help start the negotiations

  4. raysrenegade

    Easiest way to beat Halladay.
    Just call Rays Manager Joe Maddon we have beaten him a lot in the last two seasons, including twice already in 2009.
    If you are patient, it seems you have a better chance with him. He teases the strikezone some times.
    Just look at him as a nice tune-up to the four game series coming up against the guy right below you.
    Should be a classic barn burner in the Bronx.

    Rays Renegade


    Jane, I am a true music lover and I think Selene Dion could make anyone throw wild pitches — if I were on the mound I’d probably throw at her, or at least at the stereo system that was player her spine-injuring voice.

    Otherwise, I think getting the wife involved is probably the best idea — right husbands???

    And why the heck aren’t there switch pitchers? With so many switch hitters it would be the sensible solution, even if it is a reliever.

  6. steve_t

    Jane, all you can do is realize you’re screwed for one game and hope for a two-game series split. Unless, of course, Pettitte can keep it close and the Yanks can get to the Jays’ bullpen– assuming Roy doesn’t go all nine innings.

    Steve T.

  7. blackhawks8819

    The Yankees have a switch pitcher in their farm system, Diane. His name is Pat Venditte and he plays in High-A Tampa now.

    In fact there’s a great video of Pat facing a switch hitter who kept switching sides of the batter box so Pat would switch his glove to the other hand:

    That never gets old!

    Jane, I love your tips for the Yankees to beat Halladay. I was going to suggest lots and lots of RF homeruns until I remembered the boys wouldn’t be playing at home this time around. So hopefully the team takes your advice!

  8. ooaooa

    Perhaps we should beat him the old fashioned way. Lets get hits, run smartly, score runs,make plays on the field, manage smartly and play good Yankee baseball. FYI, I just bought a new Yankee beach umbrella this morning at our local Stop and Shop store. Couldn’t believe when I saw it and it was 1/3 off regular price. This one is big and bold. It will blow their minds in R.I. this weekend.

  9. Jane Heller

    Ooh, Levelboss, I like the deviousness of your idea. So evil empire-ish. Good work.

    If the Rays have had such success against Halladay, Renegade, maybe the Yankees could borrow a few of your players for tonight’s game. No problem, right? You don’t need Crawford and the others against the Red Sox. 🙂

    I kid about Celine Dion, Diane, but I have to admit she has great pipes. Never misses a note. It’s just her over-the-top songs and mannerisms that make me cringe. And there is a switch-pitcher named Pat Venditte in the Yankees system!

    Nope, Steve. I’m not conceding this game. Halladay can and will be beaten tonight.

    Ah, glad you mentioned Pat Venditte, slightlymental. Now Diane won’t think I’m making him up. I wonder if Venditte will move up within the system or if he’s kind of novelty act. I guess time will tell. Thanks for the video!

    Beating Halladay the old fashioned way is always an option, John. But just in case the Yankees play badly, I thought we needed a backup plan.

    Jeff, I really hope there aren’t any Cardinals on that list of ‘roids abusers. I don’t think your poor heart could take it.

    Darn, Jen. I meant to add the “Harry” strategy. Calling Doc by his real first name would probably transport him back to his childhood when the other kids made fun of him. Should have used that one!

    Yes, Kaybee. The mind goes to strange places when it’s desperate.


    Ahhh, Miz J — brilliant strategies, all! I especially like the one of having Celine singing, esp. if Roy can’t stand her, ’cause she’s CANADIAN…they’ll NEVER get her off the loudspeakers!!

  11. Jane Heller

    Yeah, Dave. I figured not only would she not be his type of singer, but that her Montreal roots would inflame the Toronto crowd!

  12. devilabrit

    Guy getting thrown off the bridge is too funny… you could also get a Halladay bobble head and have the Yankee players stick pins in it and throw it around the dug out so he can see when he’s on the mound….
    or just have the batters keep stepping out of the box so he gets so irritated he hits ’em with a picth and gets thrown out…

  13. Jane Heller

    Voodoo is good, Peter. (I shouldn’t call you devilabrit anymore?) And the stepping out of the box thing to distract him is excellent, especially if he gets tossed for throwing at somebody. He just can’t hit them where it hurts or I’ll throw him out myself!

  14. yankeemeg

    Jane, another classic! All of your ideas are brilliant! I was thinking you might be able to find a “Roy Halladay” lookalike, dress him in uniform and sit him in the Yanks dugout…to throw him off…make him think the whole game of what he would look like in pinstripes, and how happy he’d be lol. I’m on the search for this lookalike now!

  15. southernbelle

    Jane: If only Girardi would listen. That pants thing was the best idea. Nothing like disrupting a pitcher’s rhythm. Buehrle worked very fast the other day, and the Yankees were not afraid to step out and take their time. Maybe they can do the same for Halladay. And if they can’t hit him, they should try to build a run. Bunt, steal, etc. Make it happen, don’t just wait around for a home run. Although a homer would be nice. I don’t care how, but the Yanks have to win tonight. Get all pumped for the Sox! Umph! -Virginia

  16. Jane Heller

    A Roy Halladay look-alike. Now there’s a thought, Yankeemeg. If only I were in Toronto right now. I’d scour the streets looking for a guy, dress him in the Blue Jays uni and drag him to the Rogers Centre. But, alas, I’m stuck in CA!

    Manufacturing runs is always a good idea, Virginia. I just worry about the Yankees’ ability to do it, especially with Brett the Jet out of the lineup. I also like the idea of stepping out of the box and disrupting Halladay’s rhythm. Just because a pitcher likes to work quickly doesn’t mean the batters have to follow suit.

    If his wife really does look like Celine Dion, Paul, then the Yankees could combine two of my strategies. They could have her sing AND nag.

  17. southernbelle

    Jane: That’s so cool about the Renegades. I wish I could’ve seen that! They are a very fun organization. The games provide fun for all ages. Dutchess Stadium is a real family kind of place. The game I went to on Sunday was “Nighty Night Night.” People were allowed to come to the game in their pajamas. I didn’t, but a lot of kids, and adults, did. It’s just a real fun place. -Virginia


    Didn’t have time for my usual long-winded blather before… but I must say, I do LIKE that idea of having Celine sing AND nag! Maybe while wearing a Habs jersey (um, I mean, Les Canadiens) to irritate all ‘Tronna’ people…brilliant!! Hey, speaking of doing things distracting…how about if every Yankee imitates Tex’s ritual in the batter’s box of, um, adjusting his cup, so to speak…either Roy will fall off the mound laughing or get really uptight wondering what kind o’team they GOT in N.Y. — and with wifey lookalike screeching at him — IT…COULD…WORK!! (apologies to “Young Frankenstein”)…

  19. thatbaseballguy

    He’s been beaten before. If Pettitte pitches well and the offense can produce, there should be no problem beating him. And has anyone noticed how Halladay was at the top of everyone’s trading list and he is still in Toronto?

  20. Jane Heller

    I will now call you Peter, devilabrit. A sense of humor is welcome here. We always need a laugh.

    Virginia, the marketing director for the Renegades is really sharp. She comes up with all sorts of fun promotions, so I’m glad you got to take part in one, even though you didn’t wear pj’s!

    Dave, I actually thought about Tex’s “ritual” and wondered if it would distract Doc. But I decided he’s probably seen it so often that it wouldn’t work. Besides, I wasn’t about to show a pic of it here. I’d get censored.

    Yes, he’s been beaten many times, Dillon. But he’s the best pitcher in the AL, so it’s not as if the Yankees are thrilled to be facing him.

  21. travelingbballbabes

    I don’t think anyone can intimidate Roy Halladay. In fact, I don’t think anyone should charge the mound while he’s pitching because I think he’s a werewolf. I wouldn’t want any of our players to be slaughtered under the full moon over a high and tight pitch. Some things just aren’t worth it.

  22. Jane Heller

    Their ears bleed? LOL, Jenn.

    Serena, it turns out we didn’t have to use any of our strategies because the Yanks came up with a few of their own – like belting some homers.

    It was a great game, Ginny, and not just because the Yankees won. Both starting pitchers were dealing into the 7th until Pettitte came out. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time!

    I am so relieved, Jen. I knew it would be tough beating Halladay, but also we have Mitre going tomorrow and who knows what we can expect from him. So tonight was key. Whew!

  23. tribegirl13

    Hey Jane,

    It’s TribeGirl from over at Respect Jeter’s Gangster. I FINALLY got a copy of your book and wanted to check out your blog before I started it. It’s great and will now be on my daily reading list along with Pete Abe and RJG. If you remember, I am completely loyal and devoted to ARod to a fault, so when I saw you have some lookalikes, I just had to share!!! Check out Daniel Sunjata from “Rescue Me” – looks like a younger version of ARod but is actually older – LOL!!!! You’ve gained a new fan, but now you’ll have to put up with me defending him over here….hahaha 🙂

    p.s. Nice win for the Yanks tonight, but I’m nervous about tomorrow…. As for my Tribe, well…the team has been gutted – we should just merge with the Pirates!

  24. Jane Heller

    TribeGirl, how are things? So glad you got the book. I hope it provides some laughs, even though I had my “issues” with the Indians during the playoffs in ’07. Welcome to the blog too. And thanks for the lookalike tip. I don’t watch “Rescue Me” but I’ll definitely check out Sunjata. Didn’t he play Reggie in the “Bronx Is Burning” miniseries? Very nice win for the Yanks tonight. Just finished my post about it. I’m nervous about tomorrow night too. I know you must be upset about the Indians. Losing so many core guys has to feel awful.

  25. tribegirl13

    You know what? He did! He played Reggie Jackson….but he looks more like Alex in his Rescue Me duds! Great post on tonight’s game. I really like how you do your posts with the pics – very creative and funny! Yes, getting tired of the Indians having to rebuild every three years. Our owner even had the nerve to say we expected to have a team like we did in the 90s. Well, duh! We had an owner who cared and spent a little and groomed players and kept them…. Ahh, I could go on and on. Yes, the ’07 Playoff Series was tough on us too. Bugs for the Yankees – LOL Joba! And we were one game away and the Red Sox came back and stole it! Another heart breaker for the town. We’re used to it…. At least I have my Yankees and my ARod!!! It looks promising this year. Can’t wait to start the book over lunch tomorrow!

  26. Jane Heller

    What gets me about the Indians this year, TribeGirl, is that they were predicted by many to win the AL Central this year. So how did they go from that to selling off players and rebuilding? I must have missed something.

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