It’s back to baseball on Tuesday night, as the Yankees will face Roy “I’m so glad the trade stuff is over” Halladay at the Rogers Centre. Clearly, he’s a formidable pitcher, but the Yanks have only a half-game lead in the division and need the victory. So I decided to analyze video of Doc and come up with fool-proof ways to beat him – strategies I’m fairly sure that Girardi and his coaches haven’t thought of.
Here’s the footage….
…and my strategies.
#1) Turn him around and make him pitch left handed.
Why not? He’s a righty. Take him out of his comfort zone from the get-go. If Andy Pettitte can throw left handed, why can’t Halladay?
#2) Infiltrate the Blue Jays’ laundry department and shrink Doc’s pants.
When he brings his left leg up to his chest during his windup, the pants will split open and he’ll have to bolt for the clubhouse to get another pair, thereby interrupting his rhythm.
#3) Ask AJ Burnett to reveal Halladay’s most hated song and make sure it’s played during his warmup.
This will not only distract him, but possibly make him snap if the singer is irritating enough.
#4) Get Halladay’s wife to nag him between innings.
Since he’s notoriously strict about not speaking to anyone before or during his starts, having his wife nag him about putting the cap on the toothpaste, emptying the dishwasher and taking out the garbage should infuriate him.
#5) Someone must charge the mound.
No, not to throw a punch. Simply to look menacing if Roy comes in remotely high and tight, the way good old Richie Sexson looks here. Maybe Doc scares easily.
Those are my suggestions. There are others, of course. The Yankees could trash talk Roy from the dugout and see if he cries. Or they could pay the Blue Jays’ clubhouse attendant to deprive him of sunflower seeds. But the important thing is that the Yankees must use any means necessary to win this game. Any. Means. Necessary.