Exclusive: Home Run Derby Proven To Cure Insomnia

This Just In….

The results of a groundbreaking study of randomly selected baseball fans strongly indicates that the 2009 Home Run Derby not only relieved the symptoms of insomnia but promoted a deep and restful sleep.
Scientists cited several reasons for the Derby’s unexpectedly soporific effect on humans:
1) the lackluster performances by the participants as compared to the 2008 contest.
2) the seemingly endless multi-rounds format.
3) the “back, back, back” from ESPN’s Chris Berman.
4) the realization that the event was basically batting practice with a lot more media.
That said, the group conducting the study was quick to praise the Derby’s winner, Prince Fielder, and issued congratulations to him, his team and his family.
The group further stated that the 2009 Home Run Derby was equal to, if not better than, the following remedies for sleeplessness:
watching grass grow
watching paint dry
taking meds.
Upon learning of the group’s findings, Major League Baseball immediately contacted She-Fan seeking ways the Derby could keep people awake during future events. I was flattered to be consulted about such a weighty matter, and offered a few suggestions.
“First, guarantee the viewing public that a Bronx Bomber is participating,” I said. “Yankee fans will be eager to see him succeed; Yankee haters will be on the edge of their seats hoping he’ll fail. If he’s a polarizing Yankee, so much the better.”
“Second, make the contest more challenging by blindfolding the hitters.”
“Third, encourage the hitters to take the rivalry seriously in order for a brawl to ensue.”
“And finally, consider bringing back home runs hitters from the Great Beyond. A Derby that pits Ruth, Gehrig and Foxx against each other would be incredibly entertaining for those of us who never got to see them play.”
Bud Selig seemed intrigued by my ideas and said he would give them serious thought. He also asked me to stand by in case the All-Star Game turned out to be equally dull as dishwater. Then he pressed his palms together and prayed that the National League would win in extra innings.
Bud Selig 2.jpg


  1. lenn23

    Last year’s was much better. Also, since when did they stop wearing hats or helmets during the derby? Looked pretty weird to me.

  2. russ4192

    I often question the participants in the home run derby, but like every year, I still watch. I know I sound like an old fart, but I do wish it didn’t go so late. It’s tough when your 4-year old son wants to watch it but can barely keep his eyes open.Russhttp://wight4256.mlblogs.com

  3. PAUL

    I didn’t watch one second of it. On IFC, there was a quirky French film we’d seen when it was in theaters called, “With a Friend Like Harry”. I watched that and remembered that me and my fiancee were bickering in the theater because she had to go to the bathroom before we went in and got bad seats as a result. Then I got annoyed because the theater AC was high and she got cold. I wasn’t annoyed at the AC, but that she was cold. Yes, there’s something mentally wrong with me.

  4. peggy3

    Hi Miss Jane…

    Haven’t commented in awhile …busy, busy, busy but I do read every day because you always put a smile on my face even when the Yanks lose.

    Of course last year’s derby was better …it was at Yankee Stadium !!!! I love your recommendations especially that there should always be a Bronx Bomber because you are right …Yankee fans will watch to cheer him on and the rest of the baseball world to boo. As Jeter said ” when they stop booing that’s when I start to worry”. Truer words were never spoken.. :o).

    My next game is Sunday …Old Timer’s Day but after this four day break I might go Friday because it’s just been too long without my dose of Yankee baseball.

    Keep up the good work Miss Jane …you always bring some sunshine into my day. Thanks !!!

    Go Yankees 2009 !!!

  5. Jane Heller

    Well, I didn’t actually fall asleep, Mike. I just yawned a lot. 🙂

    I noticed that too, Len, and wondered about it. I guess the hitters figure they won’t get beaned by their own pitchers.

    He must have been happy, Erin. Next year? Two Brewers will tie for the trophy!

    I still watch too, Russ, despite my whining. And I’m lucky being on the west coast for these events; it’s still early when they’re over.

    Glad you enjoyed it, Dillon, but sorry your pick didn’t win.

    Memo to you, Paul: women are always cold. We can’t help it. You guys like the AC turned up until it feels like the inside of a meat locker. Not us.

    Hi, Peggy. I’m so jealous that you’ll be at Old Timers Day. I’ve never been to one and it must be so much fun. Be sure to give us a report.

    Way boring, diamondgirl.

  6. Kaybee

    Haha, love the blindfolding idea! But hey, that would definitely make it a lot more interesting. This was the first time I had ever watched a Home Run Derby, so it was cool to see how it all worked, but I think it would be pretty boring to be there in the stadium during it.

  7. dschaub@gpo.gov

    “Take Sominex tonight…”– yep, love the zzzz’s, even tho’ it makes me think of ZZTop nowadays — how about a new one — SKNNXX — it represents a SNORING sleep, like We Menfolk get in our meat lockers…! Miz J, a brilliant thought to Always Have A Yankee in it…even if they’re dead, they could hit as many as Brandon Inge (oooh! not nice!!)…isn’t it ironic that when you’n’I were young ‘uns, the AL could not win an All-Star Game in ANY possible way, and now look…hey, you know what I’d LOVE to see? In some softball tourneys I’ve umpired, they sneak in a grapefruit painted as a softball, and at the right time, with the right batter, ker-SPLAT — now, for our pampered superstars, maybe a nice round orange would do the trick…whaddya think???

  8. Jane Heller

    I think people at the stadium enjoyed watching Pujols, Kaybee. But once he was eliminated, the crowd seemed to disperse quickly.

  9. Jane Heller

    I do remember when the AL used to get its butt kicked in the All Star games year after year, Dave. Funny how things have changed. I like your idea of the grapefruit. But these games are serious business now. They “count!”

  10. crzblue2

    Ahh Jane,! I remember those days. In fact I was watching an old game from 1996 on MLBTV last night. Oh and ARod and Manny would have make it interesting with all the love/hate relationship with the fans.

  11. bburrows@lhup.edu

    This year’s Derby was horrible. Brandon Inge and Joe Mauer had no business being there. I’m sorry but it really has become a joke. It’s a shame that such a great tradition has become such a waste of time.

  12. Jane Heller

    I was into his first round, Bern. It was after that when I lost interest.

    MLB might want to rethink the event, moneyball. It kind of fell flat this year.

  13. Jane Heller

    It’s amazing what you find on the internet! I wasn’t looking for that pic specifically, but it was too hard to resist.

  14. raysrenegade

    Well Jane,
    It was fun having you on the trend during the HR Derby.
    I know the event was not up to snuff because there was a missing element of pinstripes, but hopefully in 2010 when they hit Anaheim that will change for you.
    And, with them in Cali, maybe you can reserve a room and some tickets and get in their face next year.
    I brought up some suggestions for alternative broadcasters I think you might like in yesterday’s blog.
    The HR Derby needs to follow the evolution of the game and have some cosmetic changes.
    Hopefully they can do that before the viewership falls and they do not get them back again.

    Rays Renegade


  15. Jane Heller

    It was fun Tweeting with you too, Renegade. It made the Derby more fun! Yes, it would have been more interesting for me if there had been pinstripes, but the format of the contest just doesn’t do it for me. Having guys stand there and swing at pitches thrown to them by their personal batting practice throwers just doesn’t send chills down my spine. What can I tell you?

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