She-Fan Exclusive: The Yankees Have Been Stolen!

Remember the 2009 Bombers? Those cheerful, talented, pie-loving, We-Have-Chemistry people who brought us thrilling, come-from-behind walkoff victories?

They’re gone.
Vanished into thin air.
The ones who wore the interlocking N-Y on their caps during tonight’s terrifyingly boring 4-0 loss to the Braves – the men who bore striking physical resemblances to Jeter, A-Rod, Posada, etc. – were not the real Yankees; they were impostors.

How did this happen? She-Fan has learned that at some point during the series at Fenway, aliens swooped down from another galaxy, snatched the real Yankees in the dead of night, carted them away one by one to several space ships anchored in the Charles River, and replaced them with pods. Yes, pods. There is no other possible explanation.
How else to account for their “offensive malaise,” as Peter Abraham called it tonight
Wang wasn’t bad. Under normal circumstances, he would have pitched well enough to win.
But the real Yankees were replaced, so instead of watching the regular Posada, we were forced to watch the pod Posada. Just look at him. You can tell he’s a pod. He doesn’t even blink his eyes. No wonder he struck out four times.
I believe that A-Rod was the first to be abducted by the aliens. Sure, he goes through the motions now and acts as if he’s the real A-Rod, but it’s obvious he’s been tampered with. Notice the transformation from his first day back from the DL when he hit a homer and was feeling pretty swell…
…to his more recent at-bats during which he appears hostile to the mere idea of driving the ball.
I’m beginning to think that Swisher was always a pod who only lured us into thinking he was a good player, but it’s just plain painful not to see Jeter come through in the clutch. That GIDP in the fifth convinced me that he’d been snatched by aliens, wrapped in a towel and brought to a location far, far away.
I won’t even bother talking about the others. They’ve become pods, pure and simple, even Tex.
How will the situation be remedied? Will the real Yankees be restored to their own bodies? Can this team be saved?
Yes, but only if three things occur on Wednesday night:
* They get more than 4 hits.
* They don’t leave 12 men on base.
* They become infuriated by fans who do the tomahawk chop.
P.S. I succumbed to pressure and got a Twitter account today. My user name is SheFanJane. Apparently, SheFan was already taken by an imposter – a pod, perhaps.


  1. rocklandyanks

    Really. Really? REALLY?!!? Blah they are playing terribly right now, but for some reason, i still have faith. I have faith that eventually they’ll stop being so god awful and start hitting again.
    I have faith that the management will figure something out and shake things up. I have faith that this is a horrible slump that I would rather have occur in late June than in late September. We know how great the Yankees CAN be, but the question is really, do they WANT to be. I’m not seeing that desire, so maybe someone needs to light a little bit of a fire under them.

  2. lenn23

    That version of Body Snatchers was always my favorite. Even better than the original. The Yanks are more like Return of the Living Dead. What they need is more brains! I have no idea what to do about this offense. They probably will need another bat before the trade deadline. They’re slowly draining the life out of me. C’mon guys, I don’t want to watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight!

  3. juliasrants

    Jane – I think what the Yankees are seeing is that just because you have a group of highly paid guys does not mean that you actually have a team. The saying of “no I in team” really holds true. The Red Sox play like a team; each player doing whatever is necessary to win. The Yankees do not seem to be playing with the same heart or determination. It has been a very interesting season.

    And sorry lenn23 – on the news this morning – they say that Jon and Kate plus Eight has suspended production – so you could watch the Red Sox! 🙂



    (to the tune of “Stranded In The Jungle”)
    They were stranded on the bases/
    Tryin’ to get a run/
    For our mis’rable team/
    That can’t even score ONE!/
    They were stranded on the bases/
    Afraid and alone/
    Tryin’ to figure a way/
    For roundin’ third and headin’ home/
    But how were they to know/
    That the wreckage of their team/
    Had been picked up and spotted/
    By ev’ry rookie pitcher seen!/
    Baby, baby — let’s face the facts/
    You know our old time ballclub’s/
    Really getting waxed/
    It’s stranded on the bases, sad as it can be/
    So come on, She-Fan Lady,/
    Set their spirits free!/
    (And meanwhile, back in the ballpark…)

  5. joejoe146

    I really don’t understand why the Yankee fans are upset. The Yankees are leading the Wild-Card by 1/1000, they have the third best record in the AL. The have Chamberlain on the mound tonight against Kawakami. I know one thing for a fact, Braves fans and Red Sox fans both have a smile on there faces after last night. Look the bright side, all the Yankee players would still have a job in the Independent Leagues.

  6. cheshirecat9

    I was going to suggest someone had put a hex on the Yankees, but alien body snatchers makes sense too. This is getting depressing. Work is more annoying, the people on the subway seem ruder, food does not have as much taste and everything seems a little greyer these days. (But at least I am not obsessed or anything.)

  7. ladyjane303

    Jane – Count on you to find the funny in this (lemonade out of lemons?). I’m hoping that they wake up from their collective funk tonight and play like they should. We’ve got to get some of that mojo back – maybe Cody Ransom will bring it back as a “welcome me home” present when he comes off the d.l.

  8. redstatebluestate

    It’s no lie that your 2009 Yankees are a streaky bunch. Now you are seeing the real Swisher, the one we suffered through last year on the Southside. I blame the excessive partying late nights. Since he left the Chi, alcohol sales are down 20% in the Viagra Triangle district.

  9. Yankees Reality Check

    What is up? I leave and all hell breaks loose! Jane – I hope the body snatchers get what they want from the real Yanks and return them to us asap.

    Julia – The whole “highly paid” thing is not the problem. You have some highly paid people on your roster who are underachieving as well. In fact, there are nine teams in MLB with a payroll over $100 million and they have wildly varying degrees of success.

  10. Jane Heller

    Can’t wait to check out your pics, Mike. And sorry you had to be there in person last night. Wish you could have seen a win.

    You bet we have faith, rocklandyanks. We’re Yankee fans. We’ll get through this. But in the meantime, it’s hard to watch. Slumps are contagious, and this team is feeling theirs across the board.

    Cat, the Yankees didn’t fare any better when I was in New York, so I don’t think I’m much help. But I’ll keep watching and hoping they snap out of it.

    I think A-Rod has a lot to do with the slump, Sheena. When he plays well, the team plays well. The opposite seems to be true too.

    I agree about Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Len. I loved the later version, especially the ending. I know the Yanks will pick it up. I just don’t know how long it’ll take and how much ground they’ll lose in the process.

    Julia, when the Red Sox go on a losing streak (and they will at some point, because that’s baseball), I promise not to give you the “they’re not playing like a team” lecture.

    Dave, you missed your calling. You should have been a rock star. 🙂

    Congrats to the Braves, Joe. It must feel good to beat the Yankees after all the World Series heartaches.

    I was thinking the same thing, Cheshirecat. Life is so much sweeter when they win. Even food tastes better. LOL!

    Ladyjane, I never thought I’d look forward to seeing Cody Ransom (for months I forgot he was gone!), but if he’s the spark we need, so be it. Maybe tonight will be a good night.

    Yes, Dillon. I’m a little crazy. Maybe more than a little. Writers are like that sometimes.

    That’s my fear, Jeff – that we’re seeing the real Swisher. But hey, we got him for Wilson Betemit, so he was, essentially, a freebie.

    That’s right, YRC. It’s your fault for leaving us. Well, now you’re back and order will be restored.

  11. letsgoyankees

    Jane, what can you say? What we need is a big hit. And not just any old big hit, a dramatic, game, maybe even season, saving late inning hit that our bullpen doesn’t give up. Maybe then the Yankees will wake up and realize that they’re the YANKEES for God’s sake. Never out of game? Fight till the end? Remember them?

  12. Jane Heller

    I didn’t know Wilson was DFA-ed, Jeff. Another one bites the dust. He’s still pretty young though, so I bet he’ll get picked up by somebody else.

    We do need a big hit, Letsgoyankees. Or maybe ten hits. In a row. A rally! Yeah, that would work. We’ll get men on base and bring them in. Tonight’s the night!

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