She-Fan Exclusive: Scouting Report On Indians

While several Yankees were attending the Cavaliers-Magic game tonight, I painstakingly sorted through the Indians’ lineup to gather as much intel as I could in anticipation of our four-game series.
Obviously, we need to exact payback for the humiliating 22-4 drubbing in April. So let’s look at the lineup we could be facing (they change it around a lot) and try to find weaknesses. The Tribe just came off a sweep of the Rays, so they’re feeling hot hot hot. The Yankees need to cool them off.
* Asdrubal Cabrera.
Not to be confused with “a strudel,” the Venezuelan shortstop has seven stolen bases. He was suspended for three games in September ’08 for his role in a brawl with the Tigers. Tip to Yankees: if he charges the mound, duck.
* Grady Sizemore.
The center fielder has been DH-ing, due to a sore elbow. He has an unsightly 49 strikeouts and is only batting .223. Still, he always seems to kill us. Tip to Yankees: don’t be lulled into a sense of security.
* Victor Martinez.
Another Venezuelan, Victor Jesus Martinez has been a beast lately, with 36 RBIs and a .359 average. Like his countryman, he was suspended for that fight with the Tigers last year. Tip to Yankees: get him out but don’t get him mad.
* Shin-Soo Choo.
The former Mariner was a star in his native Korea. And last year, his .386 average with RISP was fourth best in the AL. Tip to Yankees: don’t let him come up with RISP.
* Jhonny Peralta.
Jhonny is a shortstop with a name that’s spelled funny. He’s a third baseman too. And he’s a man with a black smiley face on his chin. He’s also got 43 Ks. Tip to Yankees: pound the zone and take your chances.
* Ryan Garko.
This guy is no dummy. He went to Stanford, for God’s sake! Not only does he admit to reading, but he promotes literacy. Tip to Yankees: find a position for him and put him in pinstripes.
* Trevor Crowe.
Just called up from the minors, the rookie outfielder is batting .182. His father, David Crowe, played on the PGA Tour, and his cousin, Russell Crowe, is a famous movie star. (Just kidding about Russell.) Tip to Yankees: let him get a hit – only one – so he can tell his dad about it.
* Ben Francisco.
Not much to say here, except that he grew up in California and played high school baseball with Garko. He’s batting .259 with 31 strikeouts. Tip to Yankees: don’t sweat it.
* Luis Valbuena.
He’s the only Venezuelan on the team that wasn’t involved in that fight with the Tigers. Plus, he has zero homers. Tip to Yankees: plunk somebody else and pitch to him.
Speaking of the fight, here’s a look.
Typical baseball hissy with lots of standing around.
Here’s hoping there are no fights – and definitely no Lake Erie midges.


  1. travelingbballbabes

    Is that fabulous man in the picture with you the guy from Confessions of a She-Fan??? I love his full Indians gear. Where can we find him when we travel to Progressive Field?

    PS-Jhonny Peralta irks me to no end. What kind of Johnny spells their name like that? More importantly, he always seems to be a thorn in the Yankees’ sides. Grrrrr


  2. mlbtribefan

    Well all I know is we are still in last place so why sweat it at all? Still, throw the records out. Yankees are dangerous and I hope we compete well against your team. Still, Grady is going to the DL. Victor is cooling off. Jhonny has only one homer. Our team is in shambles. We have no shot. (trying to lull Yankees She-fan and rest of team to overlook Tribe) Ah, forget it, it doesn’t work, especially after a 22-4 game.


    Beware of Indians bearing gifts, esp. that last Tribe fan…and remember “Major League” — it may have been 20 years ago, but we’re still Public (Baseball) Enemy #1, esp. now that LeBron has been “made” as a Yankee Fan!! Was that pic of you & Chief Wahoo from your Florida visit? You know, when we were visited by that Plague of Locusts in the ’07 playoffs, I just knew that it was over, and was truly worried that The Curse had changed cities…may the baseball gods smite me for that last remark, and may I be drop-dead wrong, but if we can’t even get a few hits off Carl F. Pavano…well…!?!

  4. Jane Heller

    Hey, Emma. Thanks for checking in from Chicago. Hope you’re having a great time.

    How do I feel about facing Pavano, Julia? Are you really asking me that? Yankee fans want to see him get shelled.

    Serena, that Tribe guy was sitting near me at the bug game during the ALDS. He’s one of the “Wahoo Brothers” who dresses up and hangs out there. Very nice guy and not bad looking when you take away all the war paint. Let’s hope the Yankees pitchers handle J-Honny and all the other Tribesmen.

    Russ, funny you mention that. I just checked my Extra Innings schedule and I think I get the Cleveland TV announcers tonight instead of the YES guys. If so, I hope they’re amusing.

    I think he pronounces it the regular way, Jeff, as in John-ny Damon!

    Aaron, I can tell you’re trying to get me to relax. It’s not working! You guys killed us last time we met, so I’m on high alert!

    Dave, the pic was during the 2007 ALDS when I was on the road for the book. As for tonight, let there be no bugs and no plagues and pestilences. Just lots of runs scored by the pinstriped ones.

    My mind always goes to food, Sue. Can’t help myself.

    Thanks, Kaybee. Glad you’re enjoying them.

  5. peggy3

    Jane …

    If the Yankees used your scouting reports could they
    possibly lose? If nothing else the reports would certainly make them smile….I know I do after reading them. I just love your humor and style of writing. By the way …any more Yankee books in the works? I loved Confessions …couldn’t put it down. If we do meet up on the 17th I’m bringing the book in hopes of scoring an autograph. I’ll put it right next to my Paul O’Neill and Don Mattingly autographed books.

    Here’s hoping the Yankees scalp the Indians and take no prisoners…especially one named Pavano…lol. (I won’t mind Grady as a prisoner tho’…he would look good wearing the “stripes”).


  6. Jane Heller

    I submitted a proposal to publishers for another Yankees-related book, Peggy, but no word yet. In the meantime, I’d love to sign your copy of “Confessions” on the 17th. I may have an actual signing before the game, and will post details as soon as I have them. And yes, we need to scalp Pavano for doing us wrong!

  7. heartruss

    Jane, great picture of you with the uh Indian!! I know you will have a great time in the Big Apple. You will have to take your flip and camera and take a lot of pictures and videos. I bought myself a mini recorder but it’s a Kodak. I plan on experimenting with it on my trip. It is interesting that the Red Sox and Yankees are neck in neck. Makes the games more exciting! Have a safe trip!

  8. Jane Heller

    Thanks, Cat. You bet I’m bringing the She-Fan Cam to New York. There will be lots of videos and pics. I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun with your new toy too. They’re addictive.

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