If I Managed The Yankees….

Well, today I’d be smiling.


The Yankees beat the Astros 4-1, complete with sparkling outings by Wang, Coke, Albaladejo, even Bombko.
But what sort of a manager would I be once the season starts? It’s not so easy managing in New York, where the owners and fans are just a tiny bit demanding, so the first thing I’d do is find a quiet place in the clubhouse and ask for divine intervention.


And then I’d put together a lineup for Opening Day.
* Damon (LF)
* Jeter (SS)
* Teixeira (1B)
* Posada (C)
* Matsui (DH)
* Nady (RF))
* Cano (2B)
* Ransom (3B)
* Gardner (CF)
* (Starting pitcher: Sabathia)
Judging by how I watch games at home, I’d be an intense manager, second guessing every move I made and asking everybody on the bench for their opinion.
And given how I yell at the TV whenever something doesn’t go the Yankees’ way, I’m sure I’d storm onto the field after every bad call and have it out with the umpires.
In general, I would run a very tight ship with punishments doled out for insolent behavior.
For example, I would insist that players not only know how to bunt, but DO IT when I tell them to. If I give the signs for a steal, they need to get a good jump and make it happen. When I signal for a hit and run, the batter better not strike out. If bases are loaded, I never ever want to see anybody swing at the first pitch, look at a called third strike, hit into a double play, or pop the ball up. And I would defy a player to get caught in a rundown, forget how many outs there are or commit some other heinous act.
Consequences for the above would include:
None of these for a week.
None of this, not even if they begged.
None of this stuff (and no plain old spitting for the hell of it, either).
None of these before or after a game.
man having massage.jpg
And no talking. (I bet Chatty Cathy Nick Swisher would have the hardest time with that.)
What would probably happen is that Jeter would gather the players together behind my back and they would all vent about how much they hated me and Cashman would call me into his office and fire me.
I think I’ll forget about managing and stick with the blogging. What about you? Do you think you could manage a team? And if so, what sort of manager would you be?
A warm and fuzzy type like him?
Or a demonstrative, slightly deranged guy like him?
The choice is up to you…..


  1. Erin Kathleen

    Well, judging by the way I swear at the TV whenever someone GIDPs with the bases bloated, I would probably be the deranged sort. Just like Earl Weaver, who used to tell the umpires “You’re just here to f^ck us!” after every bad call.-Erinhttp://plunking-gomez.mlblogs.com

  2. Jane Heller

    Sounds like a good plan, Julia.

    So you’re not the type to boss people around, eh, Canuck?

    I’d probably be in the Earl Weaver tradition like you, Erin.

    Ozzie’s not my favorite manager either, Erik, but it’s mostly because I can’t understand a word he says.

  3. Lissi

    I could not manage a baseball team. That is why I have so much faith in my team’s manager because I know I couldn’t do it so his choice is probably better than mine (except for anytime Edward Mujica is put in). As for the type I would be, is there a type that cries a lot? haha

  4. scofid

    I think Bombko has the team made…which actually surprises me, although he has pitched well. As a manager, I’d go from my normal Joe Torre-style approach to life to Billy Martin Revisited. Maybe I should just stick with blogging… LOL! I was starting to get upset with Reggie Jackson just thinking about!


  5. crazy19canuck

    I probably could boss people around. But only if I had too!
    I like to let people do their own thing – just as long as the job gets done. If I had to pick a manager to be like, I’d have to be like Joe Maddon.

  6. latinyankeerebel

    my all time favorite movie is A League of Their Own (I can relate tothe relationship between the sisters… We’re 2 sis, I’m the youngest one, difference of 8 yrs.).. and I think the Tom Hank as a coach would be hilarious stuff!

  7. latinyankeerebel

    Oh, I would be a mixture between Ozzy and Oprah.. go figure! (I scream at the TV, yet I’m very sensible when other people’s feelings are involved… hmm…but when I get mad, run!)

  8. redstatebluestate

    I didn’t see any unwillingness to buy a stripper for the clubhouse on your end in this post. Perhaps you can get Alex hyped up by doing so if you indeed end up managing. Just a thought. He’d probably go out and rip four dingers in one game after that. Oh, wait, he can’t… he’s hurt. My bad.

  9. PAUL

    Do I have to put on a burglar outfit and rescue Jane from the clutches of former Astros and Angels manager Terry Collins, who basically managed his teams exactly like this and inspired mutinies in both places? Has he taken over this blog and writing under Jane’s name? We must liberate She-Fan!!!!

  10. Jane Heller

    Joe Torre used to cry a lot when he was with the Yankees, Melissa. Well, not a lot. But I have many memories of him tearing up. So maybe you could manage after all.

    Levelboss, see above! Whatsamatteryou?

    Veering off into Billy Martin territory would be dangerous to your health, Scott. Actually, managing the Yankees is probably dangerous to anyone’s health. I think Bombko will win the long-man job too, because of his experience if nothing else.

    Can’t argue with Madden’s success, Canuck. He seems to have the knack.

    A mixture of Ozzie and Oprah, Latinyankeerebel? Now that would be something to see.

    Actually, I would allow strippers in the clubhouse as a reward for good behavior, Jeff. They seem to be the recreation of choice, so I would only deprive the players of them if they committed one of the heinous acts I mentioned in the post.

    Right you are, Jenn. It’s your fantasy. I’d probably be more like Lou than Joe.

    Is that who I’m channeling, Paul? Terry Collins? I kind of saw myself as a latter day Dallas Green!

  11. Jane Heller

    Thank you, Jeff. You can sign up at the Soledad prison where I’m being held without bail.

    You’re right, Paul. Dallas wasn’t a bad guy. He was just the wrong guy for the Yankees.

  12. dschaub@gpo.gov

    Well…you’d think that after having been a player-coach for many a softball team/league, and also having UMPIRED for half of those 35 years, that I’d know something? But this is BASEBALL — Lord knows I’d depend on some brilliant pitching coach — but would probably be a player’s manager (um, how could I not be)…still, I like the way you’ve got yer rewards & punishments all set up…PLUS having a Kangaroo Court would be an absolute MUST!!

  13. Jane Heller

    Much too stressful, Kaybee. Let Bud Black get the gray hairs and the heartburn.

    I forgot about the need for a top pitching coach, Dave. A good bench coach too. Still, if players didn’t get the job done I’d have to institute the tough measures I mentioned.

  14. jimmy27nyy

    Hey, Jane …

    Of course, it would be great to be manager of the New York Yankees, but I think a manager should have played first — and, since I never played on a minor or major league team, well, I guess, that eliminates me from the running for a MLB managers position !!! … I think I would be too easy going as a manager, anyway, so, I’ll leave it to the professionals !!! … I think a good style manager would be a combination of … Billy Martin, Joe Torre, and Crash Davis !!! … But, if I had a choice, I think it would be much more fun to be a General Manager, especially, GM of the Yankees !!!
    I agree with all the players you have in your Yankees “Opening Day” lineup above, but I would rearrange the lineup as follows:
    1. Gardner (CF)
    2. Damon (LF)
    3. Jeter (SS)
    4. Teixeira (1B)
    5. Matsui (DH)
    6. Posada (C)
    7. Cano (2B)
    8. Nady (RF)
    9. Ransom (3B)
    Starting Pitcher: CC Sabathia
    I’d like to see what Gardner can do as a lead-off hitter, as he has the same kind of speed as Mickey Rivers did, and would perfect on the top of the order with Damon, Jeter, and Tex following him !!! … Everytime Gardner gets on base, there is a great chance for a stolen base and run scored !!! … It would be interesting to see how that lineup performs, at least, until Alex Rodriguez returns from his injury … Also, with Gardner leading-off, it sets the tone for a possible early run in the first inning !!!
    But, I guess for now, I will just stay with blogging !!!
    Take care, Jane !!!
    — Jimmy [27NYY], “BY&L”

  15. Jane Heller

    I like your lineup, Jimmy, and I’d be willing to try Gardner in the leadoff spot. Just not sure about Tex batting cleanup. And you’ve got Nady way down there. On the other hand, that’s a pretty impressive group, top to bottom. Maybe you SHOULD be the manager.

    Calm, yet assertive, is a good way to be, Joe. I guess a lot depends on the individual players too – some need more hands on direction than others.

    I hear you, Sue. I’m sitting at my computer, not confronting anybody face to face!

    Manual seems very steady under pressure, Gomets. But he needs to get that team into the playoffs this year!

  16. letsgoyankees

    I love the idea of managing a team, but I would be just like you Jane. My players would bunt, even I’m-not-a-good-bunter-despite-leading-off-a-struggling-lineup Damon, and if a toe was put out of line, sit down. Having said this, I realize, unless you’re Billy Martin with the Bronx Zoo (and even that only worked for on championship season), it’s probably not a good idea to be such an ultra-strict disciplinarian. And anyway, I’m WAYYYY to impatient. I’d be thrwon out of every game.

  17. Jane Heller

    I know what you mean, Letsgoyankees. Patience isn’t my strong suit either. I’d get suspended the first week.

  18. AJRoxMyWhiteSox

    Ahahaha I love that picture of Ozzie. I probably would make a horrible manager. Sometimes, even with my own team, I’m not very objective. Take last season for example. Because I really liked him, I wanted Swisher out there all the time. Even when he started on his plunge of suck. Until, like, August when I came to my senses. But if I were to be a manager, I think I’d be a lot like I am when I watch the games…which is pretty much the same way you are!

  19. Jane Heller

    I was impressed with Swisher in tonight’s game, Jen. He was in the 0-2 hole, worked the count, then hit an RBI double. But it sounds like we’d be the same kind of manager – not very rational!

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