Reaction To A-Rod’s A-Pology….With Subtitles

Bloggers weren’t the only ones with opinions about A-Rod and his admission of steroids use. Major League ballplayers weighed in. Yankees manager Joe Girardi weighed in. And the Yankees front office weighed in, although the statement sounded eerily similar to the one issued after Joba’s DUI.

Even President Obama weighed in.
He spent five whole minutes on A-Rod before returning to the subjects of the crumbling economy, the health care crisis and the war on terror.
Could the Yankee third baseman’s travails actually be on the minds of other world leaders? She-Fan decided to go spanning the globe.
My first stop was London, where Queen Elizabeth was addressing Parliament.
“Due to A-Rod’s poor judgment and the distraction it will inevitably cause the Yankees, this is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure,” said the Queen. “It has turned out to be an Annus Horribilus.”
Next, I flew to France, where President Nicholas Sarkozy was in mid-speech.
“Que pensait-il? My femme, Carla Bruni, avait une enorme bousculade sur lui. Pas plus. Elle a dit qu’elle me peut pas se fier a un homme qui ment a Katie Couric.”
(“What was he thinking? My wife, Carla Bruni, had a huge crush on him. Not anymore. She says she cannot trust a man who lies to Katie Couric.”)

I hightailed it to Berlin, where German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked about A-Rod during a press conference.
“Ich glaube, dass er die richtige Sache machte, indem er sprach und seine Kriminalitat zugab. Es gibt nichts Schlechteres als das Leben mit der Schuld. Nennen die Amerikaner das ‘nicht einem Affen auf dem Rucken zu haben.'”
(“I believe he did the right thing by speaking up and admitting his wrongdoing. There is nothing worse than living with guilt. Don’t the Americans call that ‘having a monkey on one’s back?’“)
I figured I might as well check in with Russia’s Vladimir Putin while he was in a relatively chatty mood.
“Американцы слабы со всеми их глупыми извинениями. Слабый и loosey-goosey. A-прут был правилен пробовать поразить наиболее домашние пробеги любого. Почему он должен принести извинения за сокрушительный другие в подачу? Янки получают шанс иметь безжалостного игрока как он.”
(“The Americans are weak with all their silly apologies. Weak and loosey-goosey. A-Rod was right to try to hit the most home runs of anybody. Why should he apologize for crushing the opposition into submission? The Yankees are lucky to have a ruthless player like him.“)
And, finally, I jetted over to Cuba, where Fidel Castro got up out of his sick bed to speak with me. A knowledgeable baseball man who was rumored to have been drafted by the Yankees before becoming Cuba’s version of The Boss, he would have gone on for hours. But I explained that I had to fly home to write my nightly blog.
“¡A-vara! ¡A-vara! ¡A-vara! ¡Bastante ya! Quiero hablar de Duque el-y Jose Contreras y todos los otros jugadores cubanos usted los americanos robaron de nosotros.”
(“A-Rod! A-Rod! A-Rod! Enough already with him! I want to talk about El Duque and Jose Contreras and all the other Cuban players you Americans stole from us.”)

I interjected that the Cuban players came to the U.S. of their own free will and that Contreras hadn’t been very successful as a Yankee.
¿”Usted piensa que es fácil ser un Yanqui? ¡Ah! Tengo la TV de satélite. Miro SÍ Red. Hasta sé a quién Selena Roberts es. Sus medios deberían ser lanzados en la cárcel. ¿Mi consejo a A-vara? Suba a una balsa y la vela aquí. No mucho dinero, pero mujeres buenas y alimento bueno y tiempos buenos.”
(“You think it’s easy to be a Yankee? Ha! I have satellite TV. I watch the YES Network. I even know who Selena Roberts is. Your media should be thrown in jail and executed. My advice to A-Rod? Get on a raft and sail over here. Not much money, but good women and good food and good times.“)
After the long, long day, I flew back to California, relieved not to have to translate every word I heard.
Michael greeted me at the door, his mouth full of dinner.
“Didouhavegotimeintoay?” he said.
I needed a translator after all.


  1. alvaritogt

    Very funny! Although translation done by Google is a little bit lame, you would get by in any Spanish speaking country.

  2. raysrenegade


    Who translated the Russian for you. It was actually worded perfectly and with some great emphasis. You know the worst part of the Peter Gammons interview was the fact that you could see it on his face that he knew more………and was guarding it with his career aspirations.

    Worst part of it all is he made Jose Canseco look like a true prophet in all of this. I am re-reading Canseco’s books this week to see if he has more tales hidden in the words and quotes in either book. First Clemens thought the public was naive enough to believe in his mis-truths. And now A Rod has given an interview to restate the obvious to some people.

    There is a blog by Dick Vitale on you should see where he mentions 3 things A-Rod can do to maybe save a huge amount of face in this disaster. I can’t see him giving Texas Ranger’s owner Tom Hicks any of the money back…..

    Rays Renegade

  3. Jane Heller

    Julia, I brought back wine and cheese and the most extraordinary croissants, although they got a little smushed in my suitcase.

    Was it lame, alvaritogt? I had no idea what I was saying!

    Thanks, Cob. That’s what I’m here for.

    I can’t see him giving Hicks the money back either, Renegade. Not only would the union object, but how much money?

  4. bigjay21

    Jane –
    I actually lol’d at the end… Very funny stuff, but bablefish / google translator just translate the words, but normally don’t translate the grammar correctly.
    I don’t think A-Rod would give any money back to the Rangers, but Katie Couric MUST be pounding down A-Rod’s door for a re-interview so she can save SOME face…..

  5. Jane Heller

    I don’t think Katie comes off looking bad, jerseybombers. I think she asked the question and he lied to her. It would be great if he did a follow up and threw himself on her mercy, but I don’t see it happening.


    Good stuff! You should have seen what Japan had to say about it. Maybe they could tell us how to play baseball without having to hit the long ball every time.

  7. Jane Heller

    You’re reading this in class, Melissa? LOL.

    I was thinking about having a response from Japan, Gangster, but I was too tired by the time I got through with the other countries.

    Well, his mouth was full, Sue, but he was trying to say, “Did you have a good time today?”


    It’s Vince from Sox and Pinstripes. I was wondering if there was any way to reach or email you.

    My email is My previous way of contacting you appeared to have left, haha.

    By the way, very funny entry.

  9. mlbmark

    I was amazed that Obama went from talking about the economy directly to A-Rod followed directly by a soliloquy about nuclear proliferation. Part of me was feeling like: “Which one of these three does not belong?” Actually most of me still feels that way…he was gracious to ask the question. True, it was the best player in our national pastime, so it was topical. But all things considered, I would just rather hear him talk about the economy and nuclear proliferation.

    Everyone buy Jane’s new book if you haven’t already!


  10. redstatebluestate

    What a trip! Must say, I and 1.6 billion Chinese people are slightly disappointed you didn’t get Premier Hu Jintao’s perspective. I’m sure it would’ve been something like, “Dui wo lai shuo, dou wusuowei. Zhi yao Zhongguo bi Riben hao!”

  11. Jane Heller

    I’m with you, Mark. He’s got bigger things to worry about, but it was gracious of him to answer the reporter’s question.

    Jeff, I should have gotten Premier Hu Jintao’s perspective. My bad. But thank you for providing it. Now tell us what the hell you just said!

  12. Elizabeth D

    LOL nice look around the globe! Do you speak French though? Because in your book I remember you mentioning that you went to France and would show all the boys a picture of Mickey Mantle that you were erm… denying and say:
    ‘Non, il est mon fiancé! Je l’aime!’

  13. Erin Kathleen

    LOL, Jane, thanks for the laugh. I think we all needed it in light of A-Rod’s troubles. Oh, and give Putin a job in the Yankees’ front office. He would be perfect as their PR man.
    And since Castro is so upset about his players defecting to the US, I think it would be a nice gesture to give some of them back. Like Livan Hernandez. Yep, Cuba can have him back.

  14. Jane Heller

    Tom, Fidel was so riled up that he pulled out all his IV needles, got dressed and talked to me for hours. Can you imagine?

    Oh, man. That Alomar situation sounds bad, Jeremy. It’s horrible enough to get AIDS. Now he’s sued for it too?

    Good memory, Elizabeth. I did write about taking my Mickey Mantle picture to France and claiming he was my fiance. I spoke pretty fluent French then. Now I’ve forgotten most of it. Shame on me.

    Speaking of Livan, Erin, did he sign somewhere? Or is he one of those free agents still floating around? And yeah, Putin would be great in the Yankees’ front office!

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