Bloggers weren’t the only ones with opinions about A-Rod and his admission of steroids use. Major League ballplayers weighed in. Yankees manager Joe Girardi weighed in. And the Yankees front office weighed in, although the statement sounded eerily similar to the one issued after Joba’s DUI.
Even President Obama weighed in.
He spent five whole minutes on A-Rod before returning to the subjects of the crumbling economy, the health care crisis and the war on terror.
Could the Yankee third baseman’s travails actually be on the minds of other world leaders? She-Fan decided to go spanning the globe.
My first stop was London, where Queen Elizabeth was addressing Parliament.
“Due to A-Rod’s poor judgment and the distraction it will inevitably cause the Yankees, this is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure,” said the Queen. “It has turned out to be an Annus Horribilus.”
Next, I flew to France, where President Nicholas Sarkozy was in mid-speech.
“Que pensait-il? My femme, Carla Bruni, avait une enorme bousculade sur lui. Pas plus. Elle a dit qu’elle me peut pas se fier a un homme qui ment a Katie Couric.”
(“What was he thinking? My wife, Carla Bruni, had a huge crush on him. Not anymore. She says she cannot trust a man who lies to Katie Couric.”)
I hightailed it to Berlin, where German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked about A-Rod during a press conference.
“Ich glaube, dass er die richtige Sache machte, indem er sprach und seine Kriminalitat zugab. Es gibt nichts Schlechteres als das Leben mit der Schuld. Nennen die Amerikaner das ‘nicht einem Affen auf dem Rucken zu haben.'”
(“I believe he did the right thing by speaking up and admitting his wrongdoing. There is nothing worse than living with guilt. Don’t the Americans call that ‘having a monkey on one’s back?’“)
I figured I might as well check in with Russia’s Vladimir Putin while he was in a relatively chatty mood.
“Американцы слабы со всеми их глупыми извинениями. Слабый и loosey-goosey. A-прут был правилен пробовать поразить наиболее домашние пробеги любого. Почему он должен принести извинения за сокрушительный другие в подачу? Янки получают шанс иметь безжалостного игрока как он.”
(“The Americans are weak with all their silly apologies. Weak and loosey-goosey. A-Rod was right to try to hit the most home runs of anybody. Why should he apologize for crushing the opposition into submission? The Yankees are lucky to have a ruthless player like him.“)
And, finally, I jetted over to Cuba, where Fidel Castro got up out of his sick bed to speak with me. A knowledgeable baseball man who was rumored to have been drafted by the Yankees before becoming Cuba’s version of The Boss, he would have gone on for hours. But I explained that I had to fly home to write my nightly blog.
“¡A-vara! ¡A-vara! ¡A-vara! ¡Bastante ya! Quiero hablar de Duque el-y Jose Contreras y todos los otros jugadores cubanos usted los americanos robaron de nosotros.”
(“A-Rod! A-Rod! A-Rod! Enough already with him! I want to talk about El Duque and Jose Contreras and all the other Cuban players you Americans stole from us.”)
I interjected that the Cuban players came to the U.S. of their own free will and that Contreras hadn’t been very successful as a Yankee.
¿”Usted piensa que es fácil ser un Yanqui? ¡Ah! Tengo la TV de satélite. Miro SÍ Red. Hasta sé a quién Selena Roberts es. Sus medios deberían ser lanzados en la cárcel. ¿Mi consejo a A-vara? Suba a una balsa y la vela aquí. No mucho dinero, pero mujeres buenas y alimento bueno y tiempos buenos.”
(“You think it’s easy to be a Yankee? Ha! I have satellite TV. I watch the YES Network. I even know who Selena Roberts is. Your media should be thrown in jail and executed. My advice to A-Rod? Get on a raft and sail over here. Not much money, but good women and good food and good times.“)
After the long, long day, I flew back to California, relieved not to have to translate every word I heard.
Michael greeted me at the door, his mouth full of dinner.
“Didouhavegotimeintoay?” he said.
I needed a translator after all.