Where Oh Where Is Brian Cashman?

Apparently, the Yankees GM is on vacation this week. The nerve. The unmitigated gall! Doesn’t he realize that he dumped delicate negotiations in the lap of Jean Afterman, his assistant GM, who just went ahead and signed Melky Cabrera for a million dollars more than he’s worth? Doesn’t he realize that a fan’s GM should never, ever go on vacation, the same way our doctors and dentists should never leave town?
What if there’s a baseball emergency? Like if Andy Pettitte changes his mind and wants to come back? Like if Posada has a setback in his rehab and we need another catcher? Like if the Jays suddenly and inexplicably decide to sell us Roy Halladay? Yes, I’m sure Cashman has a BlackBerry, but if he’s really, truly on vacation he’ll probably turn it off.
So where is he?

He could be renting a house in the Caribbean, having a second honeymoon with his wife, Mary.
He could be playing golf at a fabulous course here in California.
(I’m just assuming that’s a golf shirt. Why else would he wear it?)
He could be hanging out in Tampa with Hankenstein – sort of a pre-spring training vacation.
He could be skiing in Utah or Colorado.
He could be practicing his standup routine at some borscht belt place in the Catskills.
(“A shortstop walks into a bar and…..”
Or – and I know this is a stretch – he could be in Washington, D.C., hiding under this.
(The hat, not the person.)
Or maybe he’s simply holed up at home in Connecticut with the phones disconnected, spending quality time with his young children.
“Daddy, you gave all that money to CC, AJ and Tex,” says one of the kids as Cash is putting him to bed. “Are the Yankees rich?”
“We’re comfortable,” Cash answers. “Whenever we need something, it’s there for us.”
“Then there is a Santa Claus?”
Cashman pauses, wondering if he should tell the child the truth. 
“No, son,” he decides. “There isn’t. He’s just a fairy tale.”
“But I saw him! I did! I did!”
“That’s enough now. I have to go check in with my office. They don’t know where I am.” Cashman tucks the boy under the covers and kisses him goodnight.
Little Cashman smiles as he drifts off to sleep. He knows there’s a Santa. He saw him the night he came over to the house. It wasn’t a fairy tale or a dream or any of that. It was a real Santa. A Yankee Santa. A Santa who promised to win a championship in 2009.


  1. hseely@twcny.rr.com


    Cashman’s been sleeping on my basement couch since the Giants lost to the Eagles. We can’t get him to leave. He just keeps ordering pizzas and playing Wii Fitness. Any ideas? (I tried the, “My python escaped’s and is somewhere in the house!” bit. He’d heard it from A-Rod already.)

    el duque

  2. Jane Heller

    Julia, I’ll say this for Aretha. She knows how to get people’s attention!

    Try this, duque. Tell Cashman about the Jays and Halladay. Say that Doc will only deal with him face to face, so he’d better get out of your basement – now.

    I can understand why he needs a break, Kaybee. I just like having him on call, like a doctor.

    That works, Joe. But since I was giving A-Rod attention as Santa, I figured I’d go with the shortstop joke.

  3. Jane Heller

    Hey, Jenn. If you’re a very good girl maybe A-Rod will come down your chimney next Christmas. Just don’t tell him you root for the Phillies!

  4. Erin Kathleen

    Lol, A-Rod as Santa Claus, I love it. And yes, Jane, there is a Santa Claus. He was very good to us here in Twins Territory this year, after all, he did give us…Nick Punto? No, wait, that’s not right. He gave us that third baseman we’ve been wishing for the last four years, didn’t he? NO?! Well, at least we got some help for the bullpen, right? RIGHT?!?!

    *sigh* Enjoy your deep run in the playoffs, Jane. I guess I’ll have to learn to like second place.

  5. Jane Heller

    Erin, where is that fighting Twins spirit? You guys are usually in it year after year. The Yankees’ FA signings are no guarantee of anything. That’s why I’m relying on Santa Claus at this point. SIGH.

  6. rockymountainway

    Ah maybe “Santa” should be asking for some much needed confidence in the playoffs and the tough psychological prowess it takes to be at least proficient in October?! Silly A-rod must be happy in December because he’s not getting put all over up and down in the lineup to help with his struggles in the post season. Aretha could wear a clown’s suit and she only has to open her mouth to be the Queen of Soul.

  7. Jane Heller

    Maybe A-Rod should ask Santa for October help, Tom. But first things first: The Yankees have to GET to October. As for Aretha, she’ll always be the Queen of Soul, but her voice isn’t what it used to be. She used to hit those high notes.

  8. redbirdchatter

    I’m almost positive that Brian Cashman is not hiding out here in Oklahoma. But…I got a box today from my beloved Amazon.com. Inside, I found “The Pride of the Yankees” and “Princess Charming”. So, I know “where” I’m at, but I’m not sure “where” to begin!


  9. Jane Heller

    You got “Princess Charming?” Oh, Kathy. I hope you like it. It’s pretty dated – I wrote it in the mid-90s, so keep that in mind – but it was such fun to research. I actually took the cruise I wrote about. And I hope you like “Pride of the Yankees.” If it doesn’t make you choke up, I’ll be very surprised.

  10. Erin Kathleen

    I know, I should count my blessings. The Twins will probably be a good team this year, even with a gigantic hole in the lineup where an everyday third baseman should be. And it could be worse, the Royals got a gigantic lump of coal in the shape of Coco Crisp, Mike Jacobs, and Kyle Farnsworth. Not to mention the Indians’ acquisition of Yankee fan-favorite Carl Pavano as their third starter. I wonder what they did to deserve that gift?

  11. Jane Heller

    Oops. Got the comments out of order there. Sorry.

    Erin, you mentioned Kyle Farnsworth and Carl Pavano in the same sentence! That’s tough to read. I think I need to step away from the computer now.

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