This Really Happened (Warning: Not for the Squeamish)

While the rest of the country has been getting blitzed by snow and ice and frigid temps, we’ve been spared here in Santa Barbara. But it’s been unseasonably cold – in the 30s at night. Brrr.

My husband Michael and I decided to make a big, steaming hot pot of chili for a chilly night. Perfect, right?
A roaring fire…
some red wine…
a little shredded cheddar on the chili…
and we were all set. The meal was so delicious that we didn’t even talk. We just stuffed our faces and every few minutes went, “Wow, this is good.”
When we were finished, Michael turned on ESPN and I started to put the leftover chili away in those Tupperware bowls.
I was placing one of the bowls on the shelf in the refrigerator when I heard someone on ESPN say, “The Nationals may have upped their offer to Mark Teixeira in an attempt to land the free agent first baseman before Christmas.”
O.K. I was clearly stunned by this news and what happened next was all my fault. Still, I blame Tupperware for not having tighter lids.
Yes, the bowl slipped out of my hands, bounced onto the hardwood floor and splattered chili everywhere – onto the walls, onto the furniture, even into the air conditioning ducts.
Picture this…
chili 2.JPG
covering every surface imaginable.
If it weren’t for the kidney beans, you would have thought it was a bloody crime scene.
Next came the accusations, the recriminations, the “It’s your fault”s.
“If you hadn’t gotten all distracted by the Teixeira thing, we wouldn’t have to spend the next four hours cleaning this up!” said Michael.
“It’s the Nationals that caused it, not me!” I countered.
I suggested we call in the professionals. I mean, the white walls were now stained a revolting orange-y red. There wasn’t enough Fantastik on the planet to spray it off.
But my ever frugal husband said we had to to handle this on our own.
Which, of course, meant that I had to handle it on my own.
I didn’t know which part of the evening upset me more – the Teixeira news, the mess, or the fact that my leftover chili was no longer on the menu for tomorrow night. Although Michael did suggest that I save it off the floor. The barbarian.
It was nearly midnight when I’d finished cleaning. As I passed out from sheer exhaustion, I remember wondering, Is Mark Teixeira worth this?


  1. jimmy27nyy

    Hey, Jane …

    It’s freezing here in the Bronx, so that chili, wine, and fireplace look like the “perfect” setting on these cold winter nights !!! … Looking forward, though, maybe, two or three years from now, if the Nationals do sign Mark Teixeira, you can use your same above post — but, with slightly changed pictures, showing Teixeira “throwing” the chili on the wall and all over his house, in frustration, that he signed with a losing team, the Nationals !!! … That’s, of course, if Tex actually does sign wih the Nationals … If Tex takes this into consideration, just think of the huge cleaning bill he will not have to pay, if he signs with the New York Yankees !!! … Good Luck with the “clean-up”, Jane !!! Jimmy [27NYY] …

  2. thegoodofthegame

    Yeah, it was about 16 degrees this morning here in Reading, PA. Can I come visit?!? lol

    I agree with Julia. If you want to blame someone, blame Scott Boras (a disgrace to the name). If he wasn’t trying to play poker with Boston, Tex would be with the Red Sox by now. I’m sure this isn’t the scenario your would like to see, but at least the saga would be over.

  3. Jane Heller

    You’re right, Julia and Scott. I should send Boras the cleaning bill. I should make him send me a vat of chili too. Now I have to make another batch. Bummer.

    Jimmy, the setting was perfect, just as I described. But, alas, the night didn’t end well. Did you read Sweeny Murti’s blog on WFAN’s site yesterday about how the Yankees should go after Tex? I don’t have the link handy but it’s worth a look.

  4. Jane Heller

    Boras does seem to hold all the cards right now, redsoxguy. I can’t remember a year when almost every big free agent was his client, although I’m sure there have been a few others. Think of all those commissions!

  5. jimmy27nyy


    Excellent article by Sweeny Murti on his WFAN blog … Thanks, for pointing it out !!! … Sweeny has great thoughts on why, and, how, the Yankees should sign Mark Teixeira … I’ll list the link to Murti’s: “Go Get Tex” post for anyone interested in viewing this great article … To view, click on:–Go-Get-Tex/3537828?contentRating=1 … By the way, it has been reported today, by Jon Heyman on, and WFAN, that there is a very good chance that Teixeira will finally announce his decision “today” … So, until it actually happens, it’s “wait and see” once again !!! … Jane, thanks, again, for pointing out the Sweeny article !!! … Jimmy [27NYY]

  6. Jane Heller

    You’re welcome, Jimmy. I keep reading that “today is the day” for the big announcement. Dare I leave my computer?

  7. levelboss

    from what i’ve read..
    Nationals $180/9 ($20 mil per year for 9 years)
    Red Sox $170/8 ($21.25 mil per year for 8 years)

    Nationals’ advantages: at Teixeira’s home (Maryland) and more money (in the long run)

    Red Sox’ advantages: chance at playoffs

    and the latest..
    “The Yankees have made contact as well, and are seriously talking with Teixeira’s people. The two-time Gold Glove winner appears to seriously considering signing with New York.”

  8. levelboss

    Julia and Elizabeth, i’ve been reading on some Red Sox’ blogs (including yours, Julia) that some RSN folks DON’T want Teixeira.. is it because Lowell would eventually be phased out? are you kidding me?

  9. Jane Heller

    Don’t know what to believe about the Fannation report, levelboss. My head is spinning from all the rumors.

    The chili really was delicious, Elizabeth. I’m mourning the loss of it. But I’ll just have to snap out of it and make some more. On the subject of Tex? It’s interesting that you and Julia don’t want the Red Sox to sign him, as levelboss points out. Is it b/c you don’t want Lowell to be traded? I know he’s a fan favorite in Boston.

  10. levelboss

    here’s another update, Jane..
    ‘Heyman now has the Yanks in “deep discussions” with Tex; he says they’ve stepped up their efforts in recent hours.’

    i don’t know if Heyman is reliable as far as this rumor is concerned; i asked a knowledgable baseball fan at work, and he thinks the Yankees are just trying to make the Red Sox pay more for Teixeira

  11. Jane Heller

    LOL about Bowden, Aaron. I’m very lucky not to have my roads flooding or icing or any of that. We got through the wildfires so I’m really hoping we’re done with disasters for awhile. Of course, our Governator was on 60 Minutes the other night saying there’s no longer a “fire season” in California b/c it now lasts all year long. Swell.

    Levelboss, I’m not sure what to make of Heyman’s report. Why would the Yankees get involved just to make the Red Sox pay more for Tex? I mean, I know a lot of that stuff goes on during these negotiations. But I’m wondering if the Yankees might be in it for real.

    Hey, Paul. I’m NOT a klutz! It was Teixeira’s fault. Or Boras’s fault. Or ESPN’s fault. OK, maybe I’m not that coordinated after partaking of the grape.

  12. mlbmark

    Look on the bright side: At least now your kitchen is Zestfully clean.

    Thanks also for posting the picture of Betty. It reminds me from my “Archie” days:

    I liked Veronica,
    Here comes Hanakkuh


    ps, I actually grew up learning to read with (a) Matt Christopher books and (b) Archie

  13. Jane Heller

    Happy Hanukkah to you, Mark. And you’re right. My kitchen is Zestfully clean now. Of course I’ll have to start cooking the Christmas dinner tomorrow. Could be another mess if I don’t mute ESPN. I, too, grew up with Archie and Betty and Veronica. Loved them. Jughead was my fave.

    Tex doesn’t mean that much to me, Kaybee. If you read my novels, you’ll see that telling a good story comes before telling the truth!

  14. Jane Heller

    Jeff, no! You can’t leave us when things are so tenuous! Happy holidays to you too, and travel safely on those snowy roads.



    When we play Boston next year, you know what you have to do.


    el duque

    (And I don’t mean ‘Davis.’)

  16. Jane Heller

    I’m still in shock, levelboss. I was suspicious when you commented above about Cashman in the Tex talks just to drive the price up for Boston. That made me think he was getting serious. But still. OMG.

    Got it, duque. Chili. Done.

  17. levelboss

    what a nice guy that Phil Hughes.. very cool to run into an actual baseball player on a message board.. maybe Phil will post here as nyyphily45

  18. steve_t

    Good Lord, Jane. Does this even feel like a team to you or just a revolving door of All-Stars? Either way, it’s a bold move on the part of the Yankees and a smart one, too. That formerly dead Sox-Yanks rivalry is back on for 2009. Looking forward to it!

    Is it April yet?

    Steve T.

  19. Jane Heller

    We’ll see if it feels like a team in April (I wish it would come tomorrow). Right now it feels like we plugged holes with very expensive free agents. You guys didn’t need an overhaul, but we’ve needed a first baseman since Tino Martinez and now we’ve got one. Bring on the rivalry!

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