Cee Cee Comes to New York


He’s in town, and he’s ready for action. Since I’ve already described the tour of Westchester County that he and A-Sab will likely take as they look for a residence in the bucolic suburbs, I’ll concentrate on Cee Cee’s other reason for visiting: his physical. He has to pass one before he’s introduced as an official Yankee on Thursday.
Luckily, I was able to fly to New York for his trip to the doctor and bring you exclusive coverage.
The appointment took place at the Manhattan office of Yankees team physician, Dr. Stuart Hirshon.
Cee Cee was escorted to an examining room by the receptionist and instructed to change out of his clothes and into one of these.
The gown didn’t fit, so he had to wear two that were tied together.
He sat down on the examining table and waited for Dr. Hirshon, only to discover that he was the unsuspecting target of a drug company’s advertising campaign.
As if he needed such a product. He was not amused.
“Hello, Mr. Sabathia,” said Dr. Hirshon, striding in with a smile and a stethoscope.
“Call me Cee Cee,” said the Yankees’ newest star. “This is all just a formality, right? I mean, you’re not really gonna do anything to me.”
Dr. Hirshon chuckled and handed Cee Cee one of these.
The pitcher was puzzled, but he did as he was told.
“Now we’ll get started,” said the doctor, who listened to Cee Cee’s heart, palpated his abdomen and stuck one of these in his mouth.
“So far, so good.” Next, the doctor examined Cee Cee’s eyes and ears, looked inside his nose and tapped on his right kneecap with this.
Cee Cee’s leg flew up with such violent force that it accidentally drop-kicked Dr. Hirshon into the wall.
“This hasn’t happened to me since David Wells,” the doc said. He straightened his lab coat, cleared his throat and composed himself. “I think I’ll let Tammy take over from here.”
“My nurse.” He opened the door and shouted, “Room five! Stat!”
Within seconds, his nurse hurried in.
“Hey there,” she said in a breathy voice that reminded Cee Cee of his favorite actress, Anna Farris, from Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 and 4. “I’m just gonna take your blood pressure. O.K., big guy?”
He tried to stay calm as she wrapped the cuff around his biceps, but he could feel his pulse race.
“Not good,” said Dr. Hirshon looking over Tammy’s shoulder at the reading. “We’ll need to bring that way down.”
Tammy took a few vials of blood.
Cee Cee hates needles and fainted just as she was finishing up. It took four other nurses to lift him off the floor and back onto the examining table.
At Dr. Hirshon’s insistence, Tammy administered more tests, at the end of which the doctor shook his head ominously. “It’s the weight, Mr. Sabathia. You need to lose 25 pounds. To start with, I’m prescribing plenty of exercise.”
Cee Cee smirked. “I’m a professional ballplayer, remember? I already get plenty of exercise.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday, young fellow. You’re a pitcher. You don’t even take batting practice.”
Cee Cee didn’t bother to say that he used to, when he was in the National League. He thought he was in perfect shape and resented being told otherwise.
“You’ll have to change your diet too,” said Dr. Hirshon. “No more junk. Just fruits, vegetables and broiled salmon.”
Cee Cee hates fish almost as much as he hates needles.
He stood up from the table, defiant. Gone was his sunny disposition. “I don’t need more exercise. I don’t need to change my diet. I don’t need to do what you Yankees say.”
“You’re well over 300 pounds, Mr. Sabathia. My guess is 315 or even 320.”
“Am not!”
Dr. Hirshon motioned for Cee Cee to step into the corner. “Come on then. Let’s see.”
Cee Cee’s moment of truth arrived. The Yankees had signed him for an unprecedented $161 million based on the weight he’d claimed on his previous medical form: 290 pounds. He was in deep trouble.
He sucked in his stomach and stepped o
nto the scale. The sheer force of his…
Well, this happened.
steam pipe explosion-thumb.jpg
Remarkably, no one was hurt. But Cee Cee Sabathia’s status with the Yankees remains unclear as of this writing.


  1. jimmy27nyy

    Hey, Jane …

    Well, finally, I did some renovation work on my blog, and put together my “Link Lists” … Of course, your blog is proudly listed on my Yankees Blogs List !!! … All it takes sometimes, to catch-up on some things that have been put-off for awhile, is a cold, snowy, night in New York … Yes, our “first snow” of the season has fallen !!! … We didn’t get much snow, and it will change over to “rain” today; but, it was nice to see the beautiful sight of snow on the ground and on the trees !!! … I wonder if CC enjoyed the snow??? … Anyway, Jane, please tell me that all this talk about the Yankees being very interested in bringing Manny to the Bronx “IS NOT TRUE” ??? … What’s Hank thinking about ? … Mark Teixeira is the best player on the market right now, and he should be signed by the Yanks !!! … My offer to Teixeira would be a contract for: 9 years / $198 Million ($22 Million per year) !!! … How’s the L.A. media reporting this whole Manny situation ??? … Have a great day, Jane !!! .. Jimmy[27NYY]


  2. Jane Heller

    Mark helped me get the tag up, Julia. I was too clueless to figure it out myself. Maybe someday I’ll learn how to text people too 🙂

    Jimmy, good job on your site. You got us all up there. Thanks to you and the snow storm in New York! I agree completely about Manny. Not happening. Shouldn’t happen. Don’t want it to happen.

    LOL, Happy. Sorry Tammy kept you up. We didn’t mean to give you insomnia.

    Thanks, Kaybee. You should check out the previous post about how we’re all going to buy the Padres.

  3. Jane Heller

    Thanks, Darion. At some point the weight jokes will have to stop because Joe Girardi doesn’t allow junk food in the clubhouse.

  4. Jane Heller

    Wow, duque. It isn’t every day that a girl gets top billing on the illustrious “It Is High.” I have finally, truly made it.

  5. raysrenegade

    I finally figured out who I thought should play you in the movie………….maybe it is the hair, but I think Gwenneth Paltrow would have the smile and the character to pull it off, but then again, I have not seen your personality off the blog pages.

    Another great blog piece. I am about to write a piece maybe about the A L pitching staff in the East, but will wait a few days and see if Pettitte sticks his head out and say there is less than 57 days without baseball.

    Always a pleasure reading your thoughts and pictures. Have a fantastic holiday, and a smashing New Year. I guess Hank already opened his Yankees gifts this year.

    Rays Renegade


  6. Jane Heller

    Gwyneth would be great. Right now Hollywood is paralyzed by the possible actor’s strike, not to mention the economy, and the studios aren’t developing books with the frequency they used to (I should have made one of the Yankees a vampire; that Twilight movie did great!) Anyhow, I think you’re right to wait on the AL East pitching staffs. If Andy doesn’t sign soon, Cashman will have to go out and sign another free agent. Or, I guess he could go with Hughes. Have a wonderful holiday. So you won’t be around blogging????

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