Will Bengie Be the First One to Say Yes?

I know, I know. Cashman flew off to SF for yet another meeting with Cee Cee. I can’t believe I’ve spent week after week pining for the big lefty, even though his teammate, Ben M. Sheets, has been there all along, waiting in the wings for me to notice him. God, what a fool I’ve been. 
If you’re wondering what the “M” in Ben’s name stands for, don’t. All that matters is that he’s adorable and he can pitch and he had a very cordial meeting with the Yankees. Joe Girardi pronounced him “impressive” and even referred to him as Bengie, which was rather endearing, if familiar. 
The point is, the Yankees might make the four-time All-Star an offer and he might actually accept it and we’ll be able to fill one of our vacancies in the starting rotation at last.
In case things do get serious between us, however, I thought I’d better take a closer look at Ben M. Sheets. (Is it Michael? Mark? Martin?)
He’s cute, yes? (Manfred? Mortimer? Maurice?)
He was born on July 18th, 1978, in Baton Rouge, which would make him another “Louisiana Lightning,” like this proud Yankees pitcher.
Possessing the requisite nasty stuff, he was drafted by the Brewers and made it to the majors in 2001. Here’s where the story goes sour.
In ’01, he was hobbled by rotator cuff tendinitis.
In ’03, he was out with a respiratory infection.
In ’04, he had surgery to repair a lumbar disc herniation.
In ’05, he was diagnosed with Vestibular Neuritis, which is a severe inner ear infection that causes a lack of balance…
and vertigo.
(I hate when that happens.)
Late in the same season, he suffered a tear to his right latissimus dorsi muscle.
In ’06, he was back on the DL with a right posterior shoulder strain and, soon after, tightness in his right pectoral muscle. (I hate that too.)
In ’07, there was your basic strained hammy, followed by a season-ending tear of a tendon in his right middle finger.
Is Ben M. Sheets merely a more talented version of this man?
“When he’s on the mound, he’s dynamite,” Girardi said of Ben M. (Milton? Maury? Moses?)
When he’s on the mound. That’s the big qualifier.
Still, there are advantages to Sheets over Sabathia.
#1) He’s thinner.
#2) He’s cheaper.
#3) He doesn’t whine about living in California. (He lives near Dallas.)
#4) He has a son named Seaver, which suggests a fondness for New York ballplayers.
#5) He is among the worst-hitting pitchers of his generation with a career slugging percentage of .085. Which means he will never get on base and, therefore, never have a freakish, Wang-type Lisfranc injury.
Oh, and he’s got spirit. Just look at the fist pump here.
Best of all, he’s not afraid to throw inside. He was suspended and fined for spinning out Aramis Ramirez, who, unfortunately charged the mound and incited a brawl.
So while Ben M. may be as fragile as glass, I’d take him for a couple of years at $30 mil. Why not? If he’ll be a Yankee, I’ll be his She-Fan.


  1. PAUL

    I’ve got a two bulging discs and two herniated discs; they act up at strange times without warning.
    That vertigo stuff is no joke; it ended Nick Esasky’s career right after he had his best season with the Red Sox and signed a lucrative contract with the Braves.
    Worst case scenario if the Yankees end up with both A.J. Burnett and Sheets, there’ll be fodder for some catchy alliterative titles to blogs:
    “Disabled List Dinero”
    “Cash In The Crapper”
    “Infirm Investments”
    You get the idea.

  2. juliasrants

    Hmmm – the often injured player or the player who really doesn’t want to play in the east? Or is it the other injured pitcher? Isn’t there a healthy pitcher out there? I hope that the trades all get settled soon. This offseason is starting to make my head spin.


  3. redstatebluestate

    Be careful, Jane, I have a bad feeling that Sheets will become the next Carl Pavano (btw, you’re the first person — i’m sure of it — to publicly call sheets “adorable”).
    MLB is reporting your precious C.C. is accepting the NYY offer. Couple that with the Epic Fall of Blago (whom I voted for *shiver) I have officially lost faith in all humanity. *sniffle

  4. pinstripepride3

    Jane, we still don’t know what the M. stands for. Maybe it doesn’t stand for anything, like the S in Harry S Truman. That period just bothers me though. It must stand for something. Oh well, what’s really important is that it looks like Cashman got his man in Carsten Charles.

  5. Jane Heller

    Paul, if you were on my team I’d place you on the 60-day DL.

    There might be a healthy pitcher out there, Julia, and his name is Cee Cee. Although I’m wondering if those 300 lbs. are a risk factor. Maybe the Yankees will make him trim down to, say, 298.

    Jimmy, I just read that! (It’s still early here.) The Daily News is reporting it too. But until Cee Cee passes the physical, I’m keeping my excitement in check. I do like the fact that Cashman is back in Vegas for more wheeling and dealing.

    I bet I’m not the first person to publicly call Sheets adorable, Jeff. You know why? Because he IS adorable. As for your (cough) Governor, all I can say is I thought my Governator was bad.

    Come to think of it, pinstripe, my sister has an initial for her middle name. No period though. I need to ask her what’s up with that.

  6. Jane Heller

    Paul, it would depend on how much my team was paying you. If you had Pavano’s contract, you would be allowed to go to the beach.

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