Cee Cee’s Private Agony


As everyone knows by now, Cee Cee Sabathia requested a second meeting with Brian Cashman on Monday following their confab on Sunday night. Cee Cee, who is married with three kids, had additional questions for the Yankees GM. Apparently, he is receptive to the idea of being a Yankee, but cannot fathom raising his family in the wilds of New York.
“He has a life choice to make that will direct where they will reside for the next however many years,” said Cashman, his face a death mask. “He wants to know about living in Westchester County.” 


Westchester County has been home to several Yankees and their families. It has also been home to me. Cashman, on the other hand, lives in Connecticut, a state that harbors Red Sox fans. How could he possibly answer Cee Cee’s questions with any authority?
Fearing that the big lefty might see through Cash’s disingenuousness, I took matters into my own hands, flew to Vegas and forced my way into Cee Cee’s hotel suite. After some preliminary chitchat, I explained that I had grown up in Scarsdale, a lovely, leafy village in the heart of Westchester, and was living proof that he, Mrs. Sabathia and the Sabathia children would not only survive the place but thrive.
“I found you a house there,” I said proudly, showing him this.
“Seven bedrooms and nine baths for under $5 million. That’s a bargain compared to what you’d pay in California. Plus, it’s got the same colonial grandeur as the real White House, minus the protesters – ha ha.”
Cee Cee managed a weak smile. He was still wrestling with his “life choice.”
“Scarsdale is a wonderful town for kids,” I enthused. “For example, there’s an annual tree lighting ceremony at Christmas – very family oriented.”
I decided not to mention the year that Santa was Tasered for trying to slug a cop and then led away in restraints.
“The educational system is among the best in the country,” I went on. “Your house would be right near the high school.”
I kept my mouth shut about the time I was suspended for breaking into a friend’s car during study hall; I hot-wired it and drove it to the Bronx to see a ball game. 
“Scarsdale High has some famous alumni,” I boasted. “Aaron Sorkin, the guy who wrote ‘The West Wing,’ went there. And Liza Minnelli used to star in the class plays. But the best was Linda Eastman.”
“Who?” said Cee Cee.
“She married a Beatle,” I said. “Hello?”
I dropped names of other famous Scarsdalians.
susan lucci.jpg
He looked unimpressed.
“Doesn’t your wife watch ‘All My Children?'”
He shook his head.
“O.K.,” I said. “Maybe these two will get your attention. They were married in Scarsdale.”
Cee Cee’s eyes widened. I’d hooked him. Finally. I, therefore, did not mention that another resident was Dr. Herman Tarnower, who made Scarsdale synonymous with murder.
Now was the moment to pour it on, wrap it up, close the deal. And what better way than to tout Scarsdale’s eateries.
“No need to shlep into Manhattan for a good meal,” I said. “You’ve got Meritage for new American cuisine, Moscato for Italian and Balducci’s for lots and lots of this.”
“Oh, and there’s one other thing Westchester has: my mother,” I said. “She’ll find you a housekeeper, a gardener, a plumber, an electrician, whatever you need. She’ll take your kids swimming, introduce your wife to her book group, even bring over chicken soup if anybody’s sick. Just tell her you’re a friend of mine and she’ll roll out the welcome mat.”
Cee Cee seemed very touched. “I’ll definitely become a Yankee and move my family to Scarsdale,” he said, choking back tears. “Thank you. And your mother.”
I decided not to tell him about the time Mom left a pot roast in the oven all night and nearly burned the house down.


  1. levelboss

    “I decided not to mention the year that Santa was Tasered for trying to slug a cop and then led away in restraints”

    funny funny funny

    have you thought about funny essay writing, Jane? i mean like James Thurber, the American humorist?

  2. Jane Heller

    Thanks, levelboss. Always happy to entertain you. You’re a good audience! As for the Yankees’ possible offer to Sheets, I saw that too and am trying to figure out how I feel about it. Such a risk, given his injury history. On the other hand, he’s got nasty stuff. And he’d be cheaper than Burnett. We shall see.

    You just gave me a great idea, Julia. I’d love to be the Yankees’ welcome wagon lady, so I think I’ll apply for the job!

  3. Jane Heller

    I just KNOW Mrs. Cee Cee watches “All My Children.” I really think that if Cashman had brought Susan Lucci into the meeting yesterday instead of Reggie Jackson, they would have closed the deal, Jeff.

  4. hseely@twcny.rr.com


    You blew it.

    How could you not mention National Public Radio’s Nina Tottenberg?

    I gotta believe CC is a big “All Things Considered” fan. How could leave her out of Scarsdale alumni?

    Listen, if you can’t CLOSE on a sale, don’t go to the hotel room with your fruit basket. Those fruit baskets are for CLOSERS.

    Also, I didn’t know Beyonce married OJ.

    el duque

  5. alexcoast2coastbball

    Westchester is where it’s at! i’ve actually seen many Yankees around, Jaret Wright, Mariano Rivera, Joe Torre, Paul O’niell (before he went back to Ohio), Andy Pettite.

    Also, if we really want to snag CC, we should have a Jack in the box built next to the stadium… that’ll snag him for sure.

  6. Jane Heller

    Jack in the Box? Too downmarket, Alex. Cee Cee will be a rich man. I think he’ll be eating at Mo’s Steakhouse. And if he pitches well enough, he could end up with a steakhouse of his own….in Scarsdale.

  7. alexcoast2coastbball

    haha, you’re right, i don’t know if CC would go with a steak house, maybe an all you can eat buffet of some sort.

  8. Elizabeth D

    I’m pretty surprised that chem is my best subject, I walked into that class anticipating an F.
    and Whoa nice Santa story haha, and totally acceptable hot wiring your friends car to see a baseball game, they should understand (did they)?
    I agree with Julia… you should be the Yankees “Welcome Wagon Lady!”

  9. Jane Heller

    I’m applying for the job, Elizabeth. And if the Yankees don’t have a position called “Welcome Wagon Lady,” then I’ll tell them to create one.

  10. happyyoungster


    Mind asking “Cash” if there’s anything else we can do for him? Any other players he may want from us? Maybe the bullpen car or Bernie Brewer’s mascot outfit. Heck, we could even get you his home run slide…everyone has a price.

    While you’re on the phone with him, tell him to strike a deal for Cameron…that one would benefit both parties.

    The Yankees will be tough to beat in ’09. That’s a fact.
    Nice work.


  11. jl7350a@american.edu

    Scarsdale is a beautiful area, I’m sure CC will use his $160 mil to find a gigantic mansion there.

    great work.


  12. Jane Heller

    He could buy two mansions there for the price of one in California, Josh. In fact, with what the Yankees are reportedly paying him, he could probably buy Scarsdale!

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