It’s Off to Couples Counseling for CC and Me

Well, I’ve tried everything else, Carsten.

I’ve asked this man to talk to you.

And this man.
Even this man.
And I’ve made it perfectly clear that money will never be an issue between us.
Yet you still won’t make the commitment. I didn’t peg you for one of those men who’s all nice and sweet to your face and then fools around behind your back. I mean, really, CC. The Giants? The Dodgers? The Angels? You thought they’d care more about you than the Yankees? I understand your attachment to the Brewers. I do. It’s hard to let go of the past. But now it’s time to look ahead to the future. Our future. Together.
So I’ve made an appointment with the shrink who came highly recommended by Yankees doctor Stuart Hirshon.
We’ll sort through the reasons you keep pulling back and find a way to move forward. Here we go.
You’re concerned about this?
crime scene.jpg
Oh, CC. That’s just silly. The crime rate in New York is down, or at least it was the last time I checked. Besides, the Yanks have an army of security people. No worries.
You think there’s too much of this?
traffic jam web.jpg
I admit it can get nasty on the Deegan, and the tunnels are a nightmare. But the Yanks will arrange for a helicopter if that’s a roadblock, no pun intended.
The Steinbrenner boys? You’re anxious about working for them?
I’ll handle Hal. He’s very reasonable. And Hank stays down in Tampa and will be totally out of your hair.
Your hair? Oh, I see. Yes, unlike California, New York does get hot and humid in the summer. It’s definitely not good hair weather and without the proper conditioning it can be impossible to control.
But, again, the Yankees have people. Hair people. They can keep you looking great all season long.
Yes, CC. The Stadium will be loud, especially on the days the Red Sox come to town. But you’ll have these wonderfully supportive friends behind you.
They’re called the Bleacher Creatures and they’ll hold forth with a charming chant for you.
No need to fret over her influence, honey. She likes them young, yes, but in tip-top shape, no offense.
Well, of course the media is tough in New York. But I really think the whole “glare of the spotlight” thing is overblown. 
You’ll have zero problem dealing with this man.
His name is Peter Abraham. He blogs day and night, but he’s fair, CC.  They’re all fair. You play ball with them and they’ll play ball with you. (O.K. There are one or two I’d stay away from, but we’ll deal with them when the time comes.)
What about the broadcast people? You’ll have this man calling your games on the YES Network.
Michael Kay is a bit of a drama king, but I think you’ll hit it off just fine.
Yes, he has a colleague, Kim Jones, who does the interviews with the players.
She may look like she’s giving Jeter a case of hives, but her questions are harmless. Trust me.
Her counterpart on the radio is this woman.
Suzyn with a “z,” just like Liza Minelli. And, like Liza, she sings. You and she will have a blast humming show tunes.
And speaking of a blast, John Sterling is the radio voice of the Yankees. You’ll have nothing but fun with him during the season.
He’s very descriptive and invents nicknames for the players. Every time you throw a strikeout pitch, he’ll say something like: “It’s a C-Bomb! From CC!” Or maybe: “Ortiz takes a BATH courtesy of SaBATHia.” You’ll be chuckling all the way home after the games.
So? Are we on the same page now? Everything out on the table? No more hesitation?
Good. Sign the contract already, hon.


  1. Elizabeth D

    Very surprising that CC hasn’t signed with the Yankees. How long has it been, 2-3 weeks? That’s a bit rude if you ask me. He can’t really be into SoCal that much to decline potentially millions of dollars in difference. Plus, there are series out there.
    The roadblock, although an unintended pun, still made me laugh :). And bleacher creatures are always great. John Sterling seems like a character.
    And yes (in response to your comment regarding the Red Sox’s extending of Pedroia’s contract), I am very happy that Theo made that move, I think Pedroia will be a huge player for the Red Sox, and eventually become the face of the franchise. Theo seems to really like him, and Tito… and everyone else… Pedroia sure seems like a character.

  2. welikeroywelikeroy

    C.C. is like a ‘big fish,’ a lunker of a free agent if you will. The are spending days out in the water waiting catch that ‘big fish.’ Every other fisherman knows the Yankees will get the big one. After all, they have the best bait! I don’t think fish need counselling, but an interesting thought.

  3. Jane Heller

    Plaxico! Of course. I hadn’t thought of that, Julia, but possibly CC is afraid of the crazed athletes lurking around New York.

    And I agree with you, Elizabeth. CC is being rude the way he’s not even responding to the Yankees. Next time maybe I’ll haul him to etiquette class instead of therapy.

    A lunker. Love that word, Jeremy. I wish I had your certainty that the Yankees will catch the big fish. It’s not so clear to me.

  4. bern_asoto

    Am I the only one who has reservations about this guy signing with the Yankees? His 290 pounds scare me, as well as all the innings he pitched for the Brewers this past year. The guy’s out of shape! He pulled an oblique in his first start for Cleveland this past year!

  5. steve_t

    So the Yankees throw $140 million on the table, no one comes close, and CC hasn’t snapped up the cash. Dare I say that CC would prefer to play elsewhere? It’s a far cry from the days when every free agent targeted New York as the ultimate destination and teams fought over those players the Yankees wouldn’t sign. What’s amusing is that if the Yanks win just one more WS, everyone will be knocking at their door.

    Steve T.

  6. Jane Heller

    The weight issue is a concern, Bern. And Paul’s probably right – if CC is listed at 290, he’s probably over 300. That said, he’s our best (albeit biggest) option.

    Hey, Steve. First off, not every free agent wants to come to New York. Never has been the case. Mike Mussina was a small town guy who didn’t like the idea of the big city. But he came and ended up having a great career with the Yankees. So I don’t think it’s a “far cry” from any bygone era. As for CC, of course I’m feeling unloved by him. He hasn’t called! He won’t commit! He must not want to come to New York!

    And yes, Kaybee. I mentioned the money. It’s right there in the post. Lots and lots of money.

  7. Jane Heller

    Isn’t Suge in prison? Can’t be much help from The Big House. But dinner at Sparks isn’t a bad idea, Jeff.

  8. steve_t

    I disagree, Jane. Funny that you mention Mussina. The Yankees were outbid for Mussina’s services by the Red Sox (back in the days of the “1918!” chant), yet he chose New York because he wanted to win. Our consolation that year was overpaying for Manny Ramirez, who kind of worked out fine apart from his notorious exit. Of course things didn’t work out so well for Moose in the ring dept…

    Steve T.

  9. jimmy27nyy


    The decision seems very clear for CC … The Yankees offer is not going to be topped by any other club, so he should just sign the contract, and start getting ready for the 2009 season … but, do it soon !!! … Like you said, “what’s he waiting for?” … The longer he waits, the longer the Yankees have to put all their plans on hold … If CC waits any longer, the Yanks should just start the disussions with Mark Teixeira, and toss all the money in Tex’s direction !!! … Maybe, CC wants to stay in the National League because he “really” wants to “Hit” ??? … Those 100+ plate appearances may mean a lot to him !!! … Hearing, Yankees Public Address Announcer, Bob Sheppard, say: “Batting 9th, for the New York Yankees, CC Sabathia”, a few games a year [in addition to the games in the NL parks], may not be such a far-out idea … But, in those games, the Yankees would lose the DH for the whole game … But, hey, with Nick Swisher coming off the bench [after the Yanks sign Tex], that would be a perfect pinch-hitting role for Swisher !!! … Anyway, if I was blessed enough to be in CC Sabathia’s position, I would sign for “half” of what the Yankees are offering CC [and, don’t tell Cashman, I would probably sign for even less than that] … How can any player not want to be part of the great “Yankees Tradition” ??? … By the way, Jane — CONGRATULATIONS !!! on moving up to #2 on the Latest Leaders List !!! ……. Next Stop, #1, Top Of The List !!! …….. Take care, Jane !!! … Jimmy [27NYY] …

  10. Jane Heller

    You’re so right, Jimmy. CC should just sign already. LOL about Bob Sheppard announcing him as the 9th batter. I’m totally with you on Tex too. And as far as being a Yankee, I would play for free. (Well, maybe I’d take minimum wage.) Thanks for your nice words about the leaders list!!!!!



    I’m sick and tired of all your talk without action. You live in California. You’re practically on his doorstep. Go to the closest AA meeting, scrounge up Rob Lowe and Heather Lock-lips, order 4-dozen wings to go, buy a couple pints, and go see The Man. Woo him. Change your name to C-Fan.

    I’d do it myself, but I live in upstate New York and, frankly, I can’t walk in heels.

    el duque

  12. Jane Heller

    No Kim jibe intended, Mark. Honest. Jeter looked like he was scratching his arm, so I had no choice but to pounce. Besides, I love everybody in the Yankees media universe. Mostly.

  13. Jane Heller

    El Duque, I’ll do it. I’ll get in the car tomorrow and head north to CC’s place. (I should have stepped in earlier, but I really thought I could leave this to Cashman.) Let’s hope Mrs. Sabathia doesn’t bar the door.

  14. Jane Heller

    Thanks, Elizabeth. But a pro-blogger? Very flattering, but I like being a fan.

    I hope CC will decide that the east coast isn’t so bad after all, Joe.

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