As everyone has heard by now, Yankees Chief Operating Officer Lonn Trost admitted that 7 of the 56 “luxury suites” at the new Stadium remain available at $600,000 each. Which is another way of saying they just can’t sell the turkeys. Lonn (I hope he doesn’t mind me calling him by his interesting first name) blamed the economy, but I’m wondering if it’s the accommodations themselves that are lacking. I mean, are they worth $600,000? Do they come with everything a New York titan would want in a luxury box?
Lonn said his primary goal with the new Yankee Stadium was “to elevate the fan experience.” But does that apply to the really rich fan’s experience too?
Sure, the luxury suites will have flat-screened, high-def TVs showing not only live games but weather and traffic reports. And the really rich fans will be able to order food whenever the mood strikes. No need to call Domino’s.
Or shlep to the Hebrew National concession stands like the rest of us.
The really rich fans will have their own personal waiter and bartender, naturally.
Not impressed? Neither am I. Not for $600,000. More is required. So here are my suggestions for how to sell the 7 remaining luxury boxes. Lonn? Please pay attention.
For starters, I’d install one of these in the suites. The Bronx gets hot in the summer, and really rich fans deserve to cool off in privacy.
In addition to the Jacuzzis, the suites must have comfy chairs covered in fine corinthian leather.
Another necessity – especially if the game is a tense pitcher’s duel and the really rich fans feel tightness in the neck and shoulders – is this.
Conversely, if the game is really boring there should be the option of having this.
For the really rich fans who are focused on what’s happening on the field and want to exert control over the situation, a special phone should be installed.
Their calls will go straight to the dugout. Just imagine! They can call Girardi if they think he’s not managing the game properly. They can demand to speak to Dave Eiland if they want to criticize his pitching moves. Or maybe it’s Kevin Long they’ll want to blame when A-Rod hits into a rally-killing double play. They’ll even be able to call Gene Monahan if they pull a hammy. Wow, right?
And – get this – the really rich fans will be able to argue balls and strikes! They can’t be thrown out of the game, so why not pick up that phone and summon the crew chief to their suite?
Oh, and they should be able to make announcements on the scoreboard simply by pressing a button. Instead of suffering through everybody’s Happy Birthdays, they can send a personal message directly to their employees, spouses, kids, whatever – right where the score usually goes.
The suites should also be wired so that the really rich fans can take a turn imitating Bob Sheppard during the game and intone the words “Der-ek Jet-ah” for all to hear.
(Yes, of course, the microphone should be solid gold. We’re talking about $600,000.)
And finally, the really rich fans in the luxury suites should be entitled to a post-game confab with the Yankees captain.
They’ll have carte blanche to ask him anything and – here’s the biggie – he’ll be compelled to answer without resorting to cliches like: “Bottom line, we just need to win games.”
Sounds like a much better package than what the Yankees are currently offering, doesn’t it?